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Age Differences between Polyamory Partners

Younger Man on Date with Older Woman

Age of Consent: Old Hearts, Young Spirits

I have some controversial views, but they are based on unpopular truths.

I won’t get into the depths of how much I think sexuality reveals the least kind realities that exist in our intimate truths, but I would like to touch upon one idea that polyamory has opened up for me: the idea of NOT being an “ageist”.

When I was in my teens and didn’t know the possibilities of polyamory and the potential amount of untraditional love and connection I could create, I generally went out with women my age, or a year or two older or younger. I certainly found myself attracted to older women who were 10 or even 20 years, but I didn’t allow myself the courage to reach out to them and ask for the possibility of creating a sexual connection with them.

How foolish we are in youth!

We can’t know how many potential beautiful relationships can be created in this life. And if we don’t put people in boxes and categories, then we can feel the bliss of connecting to hundreds if not thousands of lovers and people in life! We don’t need to just select people in our age group, or in our economic class, or people who work with us at our jobs, or people who are pre-selected by a peer group of women/men, or by that rule of “a woman should be no more than 7 years younger than her man”, or by whatever committee-based or superstition-inspired, decision-making process we might be using to find our future lovers.

I have to include a story of me when I was 21, having an extremely sexual encounter with my mother’s best friend (from the time I was eight), during a brief visit to a place I was staying when we were in the same area for a few nights. I remembered how much I adored her and thought she was attractive. She was nearly 40, but she didn’t care and neither did I. Thus, we shared one of the most beautiful afternoon delights I hold in my heart and soul’s book of intimate memories. She didn’t care how young I was, she KNEW my passion for her was pure and honest. And I didn’t care she was older, or how long I had to wait to kiss and caress her. When I was of age to consent, we got together. Hell, I would have consented to her when I was 8 years old, but it wouldn’t be good to get her in trouble with the law, ha ha. I was certainly aware of my desire for her from that age! Trust me.

The point is: I will make love with ANYBODY. I had a lover last year who had grandchildren, and she was around 65 years old. Almost twice my age! And she easily was one of the most passionate and sacred polyamorous connections of love I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. We had wonderful chemistry on a mental level and a physical level, and even though there was a bit of an age difference, we had more in common in that moment of connection than we had separation and reasons to not make love. We have no regrets and enjoy a friendship with respect and admiration since making love, and we feel no shame or problem with it. This is the ultimate outcome of a sexual interaction, I do believe: nobody wanting to change a thing about what each person shared with the other.

And even though age is a very complicated thing in the world, and innocence is the ONLY truth that can never be returned when it is taken, I do think that we don’t communicate our truths enough around issues of age of consent, and conscientious individuals. From BDSM to watersports to role-playing games, as long as both or all parties involved are clearly and consciously aware of the erotic choices they are taking responsibility for enjoying, then who has anything to say about what is going on? If a 45-year-old man wants to make love to a 25-year-old woman, and that same 25-year-old woman wants to make love to that 45-year-old man, as long as they’re protecting themselves and each other, and both of sound mind and body to choose their lover, then what’s wrong with them having sex?

Nothing. Except to a person who has a different value system. Thus, their judgement may look at May-December relationships as problematic or questionable. And I’m not saying that older people never exploit the ignorant innocence of younger people, sadly I can’t say that. But people of the same age also exploit each other sexually, so the problem really isn’t the AGE of the people having sex, it’s the EXPLOITATION.

So, I suggest we only exploit our own existence and create fantasies of all shapes, colors, sizes… and AGES! Being an ageist is as uncool as being a sexist or a racist. And those things are the cause of so much unhappy humanity!

Love is TIMELESS, especially when you will make love to anyone of any age!

In joy,
Addi Stewart

 

Tell us what you think! 4 Comments

  1. M

    September 13, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    Hello, Addi. What do you think the age of consent should be? And if you have never read Steve Pavlina’s articles on polyamory, they are good. Here is one: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2015/08/would-you-sleep-with-a-married-person/

    And it is perfectly normal to feel romantic love for people decades older than yourself. The light, genuine, open, affectionate/romantic, and playful vibes of polyamory are a major if not main reason for the appeal of polyamory, if you ask me. “The Evil Exit” by Steve Pavlina is another article you might like that is about openly declaring and taking paths that are not conventional such as polyamory.

    Thanks, M

    • Ava

      Ava

      September 20, 2015 at 6:33 pm

      Hi M… here is Addi’s response to your comment:

      Thank you, M! I appreciate your reply and your contribution. I’ll check it out for sure! Now, to answering your questions:

      What should the age of consent be? Well, I don’t know exactly. But I think it should be up for a bit of debate, considering that teenagers are getting charged with being “child porn makers” by taking cellphone videos of themselves and posting them on the internet… when almost everyone over the age of 8 (maybe younger!) has a cellphone, or access to a cellphone, and texts sexy words or pictures or video to their friends and intimates. I don’t think this society has a stable, logical, healthy approach to sexuality for youth OR adults, considering the age of consent is to protect youth from being exploited by adults, but there is NO barriers or boundaries in place to protect adults from being exploited by other adults! The laws don’t care about protecting sexual rights as much as they pretend to… it’s a complicated problem to solve!

      And thank you, I totally agree with you. I feel romantic love for people decades older than myself and decades younger. The wonderful, enlightening, touching energy of people from different levels of life have given me countless memories of joy and happiness, outside the barriers of traditional relationship. I wish ALL people would intimately explore the potential of having lovers and partners of different ages, nationalities, religions, ethnicities, cultures, genders, sexualities and philosophies than what they have, and continue experiencing the infinite joys of love that come from not exploring conventional connections. Thank you for writing and thank you for polyamorously loving!

      Keep on loving and making your dreams come true, dear M!
      from Addi

      • M

        September 30, 2015 at 11:01 pm

        Hello, Addi and Ava. Here is an idea for the age of consent. How about making a set age of consent, and below that, the age of consent depends upon an individual’s maturity – emotionally and sexually?

        And I agree with you that teenagers sexting naked photos of themselves being considered child pornography is absurd.

        And I bet you’ll like this article: “Is Sex Play?” http://www.nyfolklore.org/pubs/voic35-3-4/downstate.html

        P.S. Was the reason you put 8 as the age that most minors have cell phones/access to them because of your personal story about your sexual feelings towards your mother’s best friend?

        Thanks, M

  2. A

    July 22, 2017 at 1:23 am

    Hello! I am 21 and have some sexual feelings towards an old middle school science teacher in her late 50s. I do love her and think she is cute for her age, could certainly share sex and love with her. I see nothing wrong with sharing sexual affection with her if hypothetically she were fine with it. As if you cannot share loving sexual intimacy with a menopausal woman if you are 21.

    The whole notion that you cannot have sex with love outside marriage or with more than one person is absurd. Steve Pavlina’s philosophy of considering love and intimacy to be a natural extension of friendship is the way it should be, but it does not mean indiscriminately sleeping around. I do think age of consent laws are ridiculous in how rigid they are, as if you cannot consent to sex one day before your 16th or 17th 18th birthday, but can on your birthday. What makes sex exploitative/sexual abuse or not is the circumstances involved, not to justify child molesters sexually molesting and raping children (e.g., as you stated you were aware of your sexual feelings for your mother’s friend at eight years old and would have consented to sex with her had it been legal at such an age.)

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