Polyamory has fewer unnatural restrictions and allows for a more realistic way of experiencing human sexuality and love. It can solve a number of problems like the torment of loving more than one person at the same time and having to choose the impossible.
But it doesn’t fix every problem, and it doesn’t change the natural feelings we don’t control.
You are inevitably more attracted to some people sexually than you are to others. And this extends to the multiple partners in polyamorous relationships.
Even when you’re very turned on by several women, there is no way you are going to be exactly attracted to each of them in the same way.
How to Deal with Different Levels of Attraction in Your Poly
Recognize This Is Natural and Normal
Imagine you describe your dream woman, and a friend seeks out and brings before you ten who meet all the requested traits. They are all 36C, super cute, athletic, feisty, sweet, yoga-practicing nurses.
How many of them will you find hot, and how many will you fall in love with? Maybe none. Maybe a few. Maybe you’ll be attracted to Erin, but want Ellen to bear your children. Maybe Alice will make you laugh all day, but Alex will keep you up all night.
Even though all these women have similar looks and shared traits in common, no one is just a composite of another person’s tastes. We are all unique human beings.
Attraction also happens at a deep evolutionary level. There are studies where people were revolted by the odors from very attractive potential sex mates, and it turned out they were siblings or other close relatives.
In other studies, men are hot for women they don’t usually get turned on by when those women are ovulating.
These are all natural, biological things and grownups need to accept that we do not control everything about our desires. We control what we do with those desires, but not who we are attracted to most, or at all.
Remember Polyamory Isn’t just about Sex
Polyamory isn’t swinging. Some poly relationships are nonsexual. Your intricate web of relationships is about a lot of things: love, family, support, happiness, financial sanity, untraditional families, cultural tendencies, and more. Sex is a very important part of relationships, but not the only part. You do not find Linda and Lori precisely as smart or as kind or as funny as each other, and nor will you find them the same kind of sexy.
Never Hold This Over a Partner’s Head
A decent man doesn’t hold this over a woman’s head, not even in the throes of argument. How would you like to hear that her other husband gets to do her up the ass, or that he doesn’t have back hair? Don’t be as small as you feel when you’re fighting—bringing this up turns you into a cad.
Understand It also Works in Reverse
Accept that your partner may find you more funny and less sexy than she finds another partner. If she didn’t find you attractive at all, she wouldn’t sleep with you, but you simply can’t have the same kinds of sex with different people.
Some sex is more tender, or slower, or clinical, some is animal, some is routine, some is often. Accept what your unique sexual relationship is like and don’t expect to be the same as everyone else. Then there would be no real point to polyamory now, would there?