We all use different reservoirs to measure our valuables, and in relationships like polyamory there is a whole other level and world of measurements to look at.
We aren’t like the regular folks who have a few straight-forward measurement structures like time, weddings, engagement rings, meeting the parents, and such. Not to say that those can’t be measurements in our connections, but there are so many other variables we can feel and know in our lives that we don’t just hold our lovers to the standard of: “Hey, we’ve been together three years, so it must mean that it’s important!”
Life is not that simple for me, I don’t know about you. I’ve been with some people for only six months, and the relationship is ten times deeper than what I’ve experienced with others years-long relationships.
I really don’t measure the typical things in connection. At the end of a first poly date, I was doing some of the MOST EXTREME things, sexual and fetish-based intimacy, that required hands doing things they don’t normally do, and connecting to genitals in ways that are certainly not traditional.
I know that there are at least three women in my life who I’ve had sex with the same day of meeting one another, and they are magical spirits in my world. I don’t need to always be in touch with them to feel like our relationship is special, and I don’t feel like not seeing them for a few months takes away any of the intimacy magic we have created and shared together.
I measure my relationships by the amount of truth revealed, the amount of love spread, and the amount of courage offered to evolve our energies to each other. I am so happy that I don’t live on the traditional paradigm with the typical algorithms for intimacy defining the depth and height of my lovers’ bonds.
It makes things so much more liberating to know that it all depends on our intentions for each other, and the directions that we push our purity and passion that shapes and defines what we do with each other.
I don’t know how you measure what’s precious to you, but ask yourself: How do you know you are in something special with someone? Do you think about how many sleepovers you’ve had? How many meals you’ve cooked for them? How many times you’ve gone to see a movie together? Or do you know you’re in something special because you’ve fucked them for the thousandth time? That’s a special measurement to me, I don’t know about you!
I don’t judge if sex count is meaningless to you, since sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to the same people. The measurement of sex certainly isn’t upon the same scales of value and appreciation for everyone. That’s a blessing and curse, but it’s a reality that has to be negotiated together by everyone.
Can you think of the relationship that was the longest in your life, and think of what you use to measure the value of it, whether it was time or not? And alternately, the relationship that was the shortest in your life. Remove the reality of the time limitation, and measure it in another way: What made it special to you, regardless of the lack of chronological connection. The intensity? The risk? The rarity?
How do you measure your magic?
Tip the scale next time,
Addi Stewart
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