It’s Friday. You’ve had a busy and stressful work week, combined with lots of social engagements. Last Saturday you went out with your wife to the sex club and got it on all night. On Wednesday, you had an epic fuckfest with your girlfriend, and now your inbox is full of sexts from another partner who is expecting to cum by the end of the night.
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You know that most guys would kill to have the ever-fulfilling sex life you do, and yet here you are, lamenting that you’re only one man with one cock and you have nothing more to give! Does this sound familiar? If so, don’t feel bad.
It’s a common reality in poly relationships that sometimes a man’s libido just can’t match the demands placed upon it. So what can you do? Get a prescription for Viagra? Take an oath of celibacy? Why not consider these less drastic solutions.
Be Upfront about It
Don’t be ashamed to tell your partners how you feel. I know it can be hard for guys to admit a lack of desire, especially since society tells us that men are supposed to have an unquenchable thirst for sex. Anyone who has dated a man over forty knows that it’s just not true!
Being honest about your limitations also tells your partner(s) that it’s nothing personal, as the lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings and concerns that you’re not attracted anymore. Allow the women in your life into that most private area of your psyche, and everyone will be happier for it.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Try to let go of the notion that you’re letting your partners down by not being able to perform on demand. Part of being in a poly relationship is learning that you are responsible for your own happiness. If your partners feel unfulfilled, it’s up to them to admit it and, after some discussion, to bring other people into the mix (if desired).
The idea that you owe your partners consistent access to your body is a remnant of monogamous thinking. When you lock your partner down and claim ownership of her body, there is an obvious pressure to fulfill her every need, but polyamory is different. Everyone in your polycule has an agreed upon level of sexual autonomy, so why hold so firmly to that expectation of yourself? Let go of the obligation.
There are lots of ways to pleasure your partner(s) that don’t involve straight-up sex. Take a course in erotic massage! Bring out the toys, or play a supporting role as your partner pleasures herself! Many times it’s just the time spent together and the intimacy that matters. If your partner really needs to cum, there are so many ways to achieve that, and only one requires a rock hard cock.
If you’re really not feeling it at all, that’s fine, too. Just tell her you’re not in the mood. If she cares about you, she’ll understand. You might just find that shifting your schedule helps, or taking some time for yourself to recharge and focus on other things. Or maybe you need to spice things up? Try a little role playing, or even just a new sex position.
Libidos crave variety, just as much as they crave the odd bit of rest. There’s nothing to feel bad about.
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