Liar Liar, Pants on Fire
Brutal, beautiful, unusual truth be told: Polyamory gives people so much space to lie. It’s horrible, wonderful, dangerous, and hopefully the pattern you NEVER practice and the behaviour you NEVER get comfortable doing.
There is a theoretically and potentially infinite reservoir of trust and hope that comes with having a truly functional and healthy polyamorous soul, where one invites a person into their life and ostensibly says: “I will believe everything you tell me, at face value, and not question your honesty or integrity. I appreciate all you share with me, and I have faith that you are speaking from your heart’s genuine desire to bring me to the exact place you are at, more than you are speaking from your fearful, manipulative or jealous ego to try and keep me in the dark, where you think I should be. We are here to create a brand new connection made of truth and love, and whatever you choose to share with me is what I trust is all that is real inside you, and important enough for me to learn about you so we can have the best possible bonding experience humanly possible… and it won’t hurt me, because you have not ever said anything false, evil, or untrue to me! Now I hope I will receive that level of unconditional love and super truth from you…”
We must clearly convey, express and offer the exact facts, minor details and personal particularities that your partner(s) need to know to feel comfortable in letting you inside their body, mind, and soul in every capacity of intellectual, sexual, social and emotional connection, and beyond. This doesn’t have to happen immediately within the first five minutes of meeting a possible poly partner, but the sooner, the better. And doing your best is superior to doing better.
Recently, by way of two other kind friends who took the responsibility to reach out to me for the sake of my safety and sanity, I discovered that I was lied to by a new sex partner I shared a passionate night of lovemaking with. I wasn’t lied to, though… I was deviously deceived to the core of my being, severely. The details of the lie don’t matter as much, because I don’t want to expose this person more than they need to be, since their psychological stability may not be as solid as their image implies, but the core of the problem of deception remains VERY real.
What can we lie about? Number of sex partners (some women might diminish their true numbers, some men might exaggerate theirs, ha ha), consistency of fidelity/infidelity to partner (probably the #1 most popular lie of all-time), age (this would be a close second to lying about staying faithful, ha ha), weight (but the eyes don’t lie), employment situation (for all the guys ballin’ on a budget, pretending they are Donald Trump-ing), where you went on Friday night after drinking with the boys or where you were on Saturday night after drinking with the girls (insert any day of the week, and any new location for flexible truths being bent and rules being broken)… god, I don’t even know how many other little stupid insecure and irrelevant things a person could lie about in their relationship(s), but I know they are NOT worth the entire relationship itself!
A liar is someone who is afraid to lose everything large over something small, or everything small over something large, and is willing to not stand in the light of the truth to do what is right. We all lie to a certain degree, but when what you say has mostly truth in it, then it’s safe for friends, family and lovers to continue in their day with the sacred information you have shared with them. If you have lied to them. Lying about your life is nothing less than being an illusion made of flesh, and risking the potential of many of your connection’s death… once trust is lost, it’s hard to recreate, and some people never trust the repentant words of a liar ever again.
They say it takes seven lies to cover up one lie. And each one of those seven lies requires a lie to cover it. So until you bury the lies, stop needing to speak about them, or bury the bodies telling the truth about your lying, then it’s not wise to tell lies, whether monogamous, married or polyamorous (or beyond, of course). It’s the vast expanse of poly-love that allows even a little white lie to creep in the side… like “hey, I confessed about 4 of my lovers, why do I need to talk about number 5?”
Because, it’s a foolish notion to think that the peace of mind and heavenly integrity is more valuable than the chance to catch some extra piece of love on the side, on the sly. And if your discreet relationships are more satisfying and healthy than your primary relationships, then you gotta just sort that shit out and come clean about where your soul has chosen to grow…
Lying is the assassin of all relationships, and each lie is a bullet. Don’t shoot anyone.
Always in love, Addi Stewart