It’s a bit of a tricky question, but at the same time, it’s pretty straight forward if you think a little harder about it. People get into relationships and encounter an either relatively easy or relatively difficult time trying to connect, relate, and evolve together.
So for the sake of making this metaphor go down a bit easier, here’s the definition of learning curve: “the rate of a person’s progress in gaining experience or new skills.”
The Learning Curve of Relationships
When it comes to relationships, we all have an unknown learning curve with each other. How fast or slow are you able to learn who each other is and begin to progress with them towards happiness? A mysterious question with a mysterious answer, at the best of times.
There are a few things available to us to better learn who we are attracted to and try to sleep with, so that we don’t waste our time with someone who is going to do us harm or break our hearts. And there are a few ways and means to deal with the Love Learning Curve of others, and one of the most obvious is to ask questions.
Read: 4 Questions to Ask Potential Poly Partners
But what is too much, too far, and how do you know when it’s too soon to ask about someone’s desires or share your fantasies, or intimate history? Some questions that people ask each other are basic and innocent, and probably don’t need a lot of time and space and trust protection.
Getting to Know Each Other
Questions like “Are you single now?” or “Are you a fan of kissing?” or “Do you like massages?” shouldn’t cause too much internal turmoil, especially if you’re talking to someone you’ve already given some kind of green light to in regards to wanting to explore a potential relationship. If you’ve already shared your phone number, email, or social media platforms for future connection, then it’s somewhat assumed that you’ve allowed them access to your internal world.
BUT, each question is like a step. Is it forward or is it backward?
Read: 4 Things to Share before Committing
What if someone asks “Do you like anal play?” or “When was your last same-sex intimate situation?” or “Are you into orgies and threesomes?” Well, you might be dealing with someone who wants to accelerate TOO FAST up your Love Learning Curve, and you don’t feel quite comfortable revealing that information to them yet. Some people are just far more bold than others, and won’t hesitate to ask you strange, odd, shocking or offensive questions in their quest to discover the devilish and godly details of the person they are pursuing.
Do you like when people ask penetrating questions to get to know you? Or do you like when people ask simple questions, and then have it all unfold slowly and naturally? If someone asks “Have you ever been abused by a family member?” on a first date, they have possibly very rudely thrown down the gauntlet as far as a traditional Love Learning Curve goes and attempted to blast off past the status quo procedure of people’s personality processing.
You can react in whatever ways you want, but generally, people will say one of a few responses to such probing questions: 1) No comment, 2) We don’t know each other well enough to share that, or 3) I’m offended, and I won’t answer such a violating question!
A fourth response might be the RAW TRUTH, but the question is: Where do you live on their Love Learning Curve? Are you advanced enough to accept the question and provide the answer? There’s no force required. You can be ahead of the curve, and still not reveal certain truths if you don’t want to. How long will you go on avoiding a question that throws the True Curve off track, because you both don’t know how well you KNOW each other.
Read: Sharing and Listening in Polyamory
Sometimes, the student is much smarter than the teacher is aware, because their learning curve is more advanced than previously confessed! And if you are at that point then you are dancing on the edge, my friend.
Good Questions and True Answers
I won’t make final judgements on the appropriateness of any questions you may feel you need to ask to plot your own Love Learning Curve, but follow your instincts and feelings to decide what you should know and when you should know it.
Getting to the point of personal peace with someone because they know where you come from and what little things you like is a blessing of its own. But you can only reach that curve on your own! By asking good questions, and giving true answers. And remember, the Learning Curve of Love AND Life with our lovers NEVER ENDS!
So stay curious,
Addi Stewart
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