Jealousy Issues in Poly Relationships

Naturally if you are getting into a relationship with more than one lover there are bound to be jealousy issues. How you deal with those issues makes or breaks your love affair. To my mind, there are two things you have to remember when you start to feel jealous:

1. Remember that the jealousy is coming from inside of you. Jealousy is an outward expression of inner insecurity. You are jealous because you worry that your partner is going to find someone else funnier than you, sexier than you, whatever they are… better then you. The thing to remember is that your partner chose you. Even if they want to go out and play with someone else, it is you they want to come home to. It is you they want to share fantasies with after the fact.  

If you can play it cool while your partner is out getting it on with someone else, it will probably make you sexier. It will show that you have self-confidence, and confidence in your love. I know this sounds crazy. It is exactly the opposite advice you’d get from monogamous people. They don’t get it at all.

It’s a hard thing to imagine when you first think of it. But people can’t choose what their hearts want. That old adage is true: if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is meant to be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it isn’t meant to be yours. You can’t force a person to love you, but if you trust them enough to let them play around and they come back—it’s probably true love.

2. You should also remember that #1 only applies when the two of you are talking and discussing your boundaries. If your partner is sleeping with people behind your back, or when you have said that you don’t feel good about it, then that is called cheating.  If you are being cheated on, find a new partner.  Don’t let anyone mistreat you.

The main thing is to talk. You may feel jealous. You may even have irrational emotions. Don’t be ashamed. If your partner has irrational feelings then comfort them. If you have crazy feelings, don’t suppress them. Just talk. When you talk about it and you don’t hold things inside, you will feel better.

Jealousy can be a real monster. It is a real thing, and we can’t avoid it any more than we can avoid feeling thirsty, or tired. That said, it is a feeling that can be controlled and understood. It is a feeling that comes from a specific place inside you. Don’t be afraid to look into that place and you will have a better, more open, love life.    

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