Layers of Love aka Crossing Streams (Remember What They Said in Ghostbusters: “Don’t Do It!”)
Polyamory is awesome for many reasons, but the main thing: being able to enjoy multiple relationships at once, instead of thinking humans are only allowed to experience one beautiful thing at a time (which would be like saying human beings couldn’t enjoy feeling sunshine, a cool breeze, a trip on a sailboat, while drinking a beer or smoking a joint – all at the same time… which would be ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous! We are allowed to feel more than one level of fun! But anyways, I digress.)
So, once we come to the understanding that we can negotiate a possible way for us to experience multiple lovers at once, or simultaneous friends with benefits, we should be fine to frolic and have fun, right? Right. And wrong.
What if we are frolicking with one lover, and somehow… our mind finds some way to fantasize about A DIFFERENT LOVER while you are with the first one? Things that make you go hmmmmmm…
What do you do? Who do you tell? Where do you go from here? Why does this happen? And when is it right for you to share this news with anyone? Those are really all up to you to decide and answer. They are complicated questions with infinite answers and mysterious solutions.
Why are you thinking about about Lover #2 when you are with Lover #1? Is it dissatisfaction with one of them? Or incompleteness with one of them? Is one of them giving you something the other isn’t, and you haven’t found a way to reconcile everything emotionally occuring inside you all? It happens to the best of us. Just work through it. Confess what you are able to whoever you feel should know! That’s one thing I would always suggest. Even if it leads to unstable territory, it’s always better for the truth to be shared. I DO NOT and WILL NOT subscribe to ANY theory that a relationship is safer with tiny secrets existing. Even if you think they are tiny and harmless, I still do not believe it is good to keep anything from the people you love. ALL questions can be answered.
What happened in one relationship that isn’t happening in the other? Do you have a sexual connection to one person that is causing you to think about that connection while with other people? That MUST be balanced, controlled, and answered internally. There will be nothing else to cause you more pain and confusion, than to NOT be in the moment of utter bliss with the poly lover of your day. That’s just not good for poly life. There is some reason and some answer to the issue. Do you want a deeper sexual connection with the person you are thinking about when you are with your first lover? Then ASK for it. Clear the air, Speak your truth. Confess your sacred sin. And then get to the bottom of the dilemma… before it gets to the bottom of you!
So yes, there are many ways for poly relationships to affect each other, but one MAIN way they can influence each other, is by thinking about one lover while you are with another. That’s the Kiss of Chaos, and it’s really dangerous to allow it to continue unconquered. So face that fear. Fight that feeling. Figure out that dysfunction. And find balance again.
So you remember in Ghostbusters, when Egon said: “Don’t cross the streams!!!”?
It was the wise advice to follow for Peter and Ray and Winston… until they had to fight Zuul, and they needed their streams to cross-combine powers and save the world! Sigourney Weaver ends up being saved, and all is well in Manhattan… plus there was Stay Puft Marshmallow everywhere. Good times!
Polyamory is great… once you know how to cross the streams, but not lose control of their powers!
So yes, don’t cross the streams. Don’t think about one lover when you are with the other. Unless you are both having a conversation about #3, then it’s all good!
It’s just not fair to not be in the moment and enjoy each lover as deeply as possible… because that’s the best way to make the most out of polyamory!
I ain’t afraid of no love!
In joy,
Addi Stewart
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