One of the biggest issues for multiple partners is balancing your time, energy and love between lovers, so that everyone feels secure. This challenge often stops the poly-curious in their tracks, sending them back to monogamy before you can say polyfidelity.
Everyone in a poly group should be focused on their partners’ needs, and because we are not mind readers, it’s a good idea to regularly check in with one another. This can be done in a group setting or one-on-one, depending on the level of intimacy between partners. Choosing a quiet time to discuss each other’s needs and desires will provide a welcoming setting. Even some polyamorists struggle with expressing their feelings.
You may think that giving equally in different areas (e.g. sexually, physically, emotionally) that things will balance out, but remember that all your poly partners will have individual needs that reflect their strengths and insecurities. One partner may need more time spent with them, whereas another may be an introvert who requires more time alone. Each person in a poly must take it upon themselves to learn these things as their relationships grow.
Although we can’t read minds, there are clues and hints that can be picked up on to recognize when someone isn’t happy or when feelings have been hurt. Watch for body language, mood changes, and out-of-character behaviour. All of these will help as guidelines to how a partner is feeling.
When you’re with one of your partners, focus on them alone and stay present. Enjoying the moment with another being means staying conscious and not letting your mind wander to other things. If you find yourself thinking about one partner when you’re with another, that’s not a good sign. Even if you are in a primary relationship, your third should feel number one when you are with them alone.
When your own feelings of insecurity or dissatisfaction arise, bring them up to your partner(s) immediately. Festering anthills do become mountains! It can be terrifying for some to tell another person they are unhappy, angry, or frustrated but talking about all feelings is a must in order for relationships to work, especially in polyamory.
What helps you to balance more than one partner in your life?