Do your girlfriends all seem to be a lot more interested in sex with their other partners? Has she lost interest in getting naked with you, or gives out begrudgingly?
Rob, 30, from Florida, laments that his girlfriend used to drop everything for sex, but now she’s much more interested in the new guy.
In poly relationships, the bonus of losing out to the new boyfriend or new girlfriend is that you don’t have to break up and throw away all that you’ve built. We understand that the body’s hormones are fueled by novelty and accept that as much as we enjoy it for ourselves.
Still, that’s not always the only thing accounting for her lack of interest in sex. Monogamous couples experience “bed death” too, and maybe she’s still going strong with another long time partner—everyone it seems, but you.
Here are three reasons women give when they’ve lost that loving feeling, and what you can do to bring it back.
1. “It’s now wham bam thank you ma’am. He doesn’t take the time.”
It’s an irony that we give lovers hours, even days, of lovemaking, when we’re new to each other—when women don’t need that time to get fully aroused.
Later, when she needs patience, attention, and lots of foreplay to get fully turned on, you barely touch her.
Don’t skip the preamble, and don’t skimp on it, if you want to keep the flames burning. Men can sometimes think they’ve “been there, done that,” and foreplay like touching, manual and oral sex, are no longer necessary. They are necessary, now more than ever.
2. “The best of the basics are lost, and all he wants is over the top porny sex or threesomes or anal.”
Women feel as if the thrill of touching them is gone, and you don’t have the same gratitude and awe and arousal about taking off her clothes. Nothing goes limp so fast as a woman who doesn’t feel like she’s turning you on.
“We never just make love, person to person, anymore, so I’ve lost interest,” Sophia, 34, says. “If I want thrilling, acrobatic sex that’s all surface and giddy thrill, I hook up with my personal trainer or the kinky chick at my book club. Seriously, when someone who has supposedly built a relationship with me over time can only get it up for group sex or getting pegged, I feel like a piece of meat.”
You might be trying to up the ante to rekindle her interest, but you’re driving her away. Try a “just you and me, back to basics” approach once in awhile.
3. “He never kisses me anymore.”
You might be surprised to find that kissing ranks consistently higher on lists of women’s wants, needs, and expectations in love and sex than the stuff YOU think she wants. She cares way more about kissing than penis size, you going bald, weight, muscles, or money.
Why do we only kiss like teenagers when we meet someone new? Kissing stokes sex hormones and circulation as well as bonding hormones. It’s relaxing and meditative.
It is also deeply intimate, an exchange of bodily fluids. This might not just be symbolic—lots of studies show that deep kissing between partners means synchronizing their microflora. While bacteria swapping might sound gross, the fact is that “good” bacteria are essential to healthy immunity and even emotional health.
Brenda, 49, says, “If you don’t want to kiss me, I don’t want sex. It’s pretty simple. I’m going to want sex with those who do”
What’s your experience with this subject? Please share in the comments!
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