What Gets in the Way of Healthy Polyamory

We all have our Achilles Heel in love and passion. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have some kind of weakness or personality imperfection that isn’t worth working on. We can all be nicer, listen better, share more and be more generous with our hearts and minds.

That being said, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have setbacks, fuckups, mistakes, flaws, insecurities, problems and issues. Sometimes they grow to be as big as phobias and neuroses, and sometimes they are mental health issues. Navigating it is the best thing we can do, once we have decided we won’t be victims of it, and actually grow.

What kinds of things stop the emotional roses from growing in the garden of polyamory? There are so so many… here are some that I have lived through:

  • partners being afraid of different ages (younger or older)
  • partners wanting certain experiences (sleepovers, dates, sex clubs)
  • partners wanting exclusivity with narrow boundaries
  • partners practicing unsafe sex with others (bouts of rage)
  • partners unable to practice what is discussed (not ready for new steps)
  • partners unwilling to accept different versions of polyamory (stubborn, selfish)
  • partners living and existing in places not conducive to more relations
  • partners wanting children or living arrangements at different times
  • partners not being able to handle my sex work or public image

There are so many reasons why things can go awry. Over decades of living poly, I’ve seen things end for the strangest reasons, and also things end for the most logical reasons.

Relationships don’t always have to crash and burn in a fiery pile of emotional wreckage. I don’t know where people were taught that we have to dislike our ex-partners, or that we are unable to heal or grow out of the insecurities we have.

It seems like people are taught to let their pain crust over and harden into scars that shape their personality. These scars then cause blowouts that can be blamed on any number of things: ex-partners, alcohol, drugs, society, modern dating, the internet, work stress, or anything else you’ve struggled with in your life.

Life’s struggles don’t have to ruin our relationships with others or ourselves! We can dance over the flames of finality, and not have our Achilles Heel stop us from walking into our next relationship with dignity, inner peace and healing. It just takes awareness. Look for the signs.

Let’s try,
Addi Stewart

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