How to Navigate Sex Parties with Your Poly Partner

Are you new to sex parties? Did you receive your first invite?

I am fortunate and blessed to be in a poly connection with one of the most wonderful, brilliant, open-hearted, and sexually incredible partners I’ve ever been with.

I’ve seen and heard about so many people struggling with fiery jealousy, trust issues, and miscommunication. I’m ecstatic to report that these problems are NOT necessary, nor are they inevitable. 

A sex party is one place in life where “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” truly does apply. 

Read: 3 Must-Haves for Healthy Polyamory Relationships

If you have full trust and support and genuine love with your partner BEFORE you go out to a sex party, then you will be absolutely thrilled to see them make healthy and happy connections with other sexy individuals, and you will be confident that your relationship will remain intact once the party is over. 

Of course there will be moments of self-reflection and flashes of insecurity, but being with a wonderful partner means that you can navigate the tides of chance and waves of emotions with balance and support. 

I’m happy to share guidelines, principles and practices that my partner and I follow to take care of each other as we go to a multitude of sex parties and other intimate gatherings. 

Read: Sex Clubs: What Happens and How to Find Them  

How to Make the Most of Sex Parties

Make Love before You Go to the Party

If you make love before you go to a sex party, it’s a solid security blanket to help you remember in your mind, that yes, your partner still does want you, even if you see them fucking someone else a few hours later. 

Bonding together before you go into a room of random sex partners is just smart preemptive protection against jealousy. I think this action is more important than spending all night together at the sex party. 

Read: 4 Jealousy Triggers & How to Deal

Communicate Intentions to Each Other

When you know what you want to experience, let your partner know. Doesn’t have to be all the fantasies you feel, just a few of the first things on your lustful mind.

If you’re in the mood for oral, let them know that’s what you’ll be asking for. Also, if you think you might run into an ex-lover, try to give your partner some warning time to deal with the possibility. Or it may turn into a threesome! You never know.

Read: A Guide to Open Relationship Rules

Socialize with Friends and Potential Sex Partners

Important quality time has to be put in. I usually see someone I want to fuck within the first five minutes of any sex party, but I don’t go ask them immediately (though I want to, ha ha).

There is usually some icebreaker time for folks to socialize and warm up. This is a good time to spend with your partner, make new friends, get to know potential lovers, and bond platonically.

Read: 4 Ways to Deepen Your Poly Connections

Start Playing Together

This doesn’t necessarily have to happen every time, though I highly recommend you use this option MORE often than not. Whether it’s kissing, undressing, sex toys or sex, starting the party with the partner you came with is just courteous.

Sometimes things escalate quickly with a surprise person, but try to have your partner see that person or at least meet them before you disappear with them for some fun. Just a smart suggestion, not a rigid rule.

Read: Tips for Your First Group Sex Experience

Invite or Accept Invitations from Others

Whether you are with your partner or not when this happens, this is what the function of the sex party is at its core. Exploring other people—together! So don’t spend all your time doting and worrying about your partner’s needs and feelings.

If you two are grown-ass adults who care and love and trust each other enough, you won’t feel fear or anger or envy if and when someone else approaches your partner and propositions them for pleasure.

All you hopefully will do is be a cheerleader from the sidelines, full of compersion for your partner’s experience.

Read: Striving for Compersion: How to Get There

Provide Space for Each Other to Explore Others Separately

In addition to mingling together, go off and do your own thing for a while.

Being attached at the hip is a good thing to do for securing trust in a highly charged event. But too much insecure coupling and handcuffing of each other at a sex party will cause friction,  and frustration will creep in when fleeting sexy options start cruising by.

Read: 6 Alternatives to Monogamy that Don’t Involve Cheating 

Check In with One Another

Double check that your partner is feeling safe, at least a few times. Make sure they are okay, and make sure you are too—physically, emotionally, and socially. This is just basic courtesy.

Express Desires to Connect, at the Party or in Future

Maybe you both agree not to get any phone numbers from anyone at the sex party. Maybe it is okay! Your choice. Just make sure you are both on the same page. There’s no need to hide anything like this in a healthy polyamorous relationship.

My partner and I share our stories at the end of the night, plus we do one more vitally important thing to make our relationship even stronger—we always go home together.

Read: Swinger Stories: 8 Readers Share Their First Time Story

Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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