Polyamory, the love of many, is an incredible opportunity for personal and emotional development. Loving many people intimately means growing and expanding in tolerance, understanding, and a range of experiences.
Even if we gravitate towards lovers who share our desires and lifestyle, each lover is unique and distinct in sexual expression, from ourselves and from each other.
Sometimes we find ourselves with some partners who are kinky and some who are vanilla. Our relationship with each lover is different and has its ups and downs and its specific needs.
Are you dating women who are kinky at the same time that you are dating women who are vanilla?
I am a kink flexitarian—I am easygoing and not dependent on a specific fetish for satisfaction. I crave a lot of sex, I want passion and curiosity and variety, but how it plays out runs the gamut of kinks, and I’m happy with a good old fashioned vanilla romp from time to time. So I’m down with the different experiences that I have with different lovers.
If you have a very strong predilection that gets you off and your lovers don’t all share it, it can be tricky to navigate your sexual relationships. But variety is truly the spice of life, so if you are compatible and love each other, I think it’s worth it!
How to Make It Work with Kinky and Vanilla Lovers
The best way to great sex is to make it about your partners more often than not.
Whether your lover is into BDSM, role play, or the missionary position, great sex is about making her the focus. When we view our lovers as an opportunity to give pleasure, on their terms, our own pleasure will follow every time. Not every lover meets our every need all of the time—each fills a different role. If her pleasure is prioritized, you will feel good no matter how it plays out.
By playing her way, she will be more open, secure, and generous.
If your lover is the most important part of sex, rather than a specific act or action, she will want to reciprocate to please you, regardless of what she’s into or not into.
Don’t pit one relationship against another.
Don’t compare apples to oranges. Maybe your deepest needs of submission aren’t met in every relationship. If one lover’s kinks aren’t as compatible as another, don’t ask her to “measure up” in some way, and don’t do it secretly inside your head, either. See each person as a unique and complex human whose worth is not connected to your sexual tastes or another partner’s sexual style.
Examine the reasons why you are lovers in the first place.
If one lover is kinkier than you’re comfortable with and another sees girl-on-top sex as a wild taboo, why are you there? Are you just trying to stack up the numbers because the idea of seven girlfriends makes you feel like a stud? Are you secretly hoping to change her or initiate her into “real” sex? Or tame her?
Try to get at the root of your true feelings. You will almost always find YOU are at that root, not her. Her sexuality is not a problem, and neither is yours—but expecting them to merge and conform is where the issues are.
If she’s not invested in you, don’t prolong things.
On the other hand, if you are prioritizing her pleasure, examining your expectations, and accepting her for who she is, but she has zero investment in you and cares nothing for your pleasure or wellbeing, that relationship might not be worth keeping.
It doesn’t matter whether a lover is kinky or vanilla—it’s whether they want to be with you and give back, despite your differences.
Do you have lovers who are kinky and vanilla? What tips can you share?
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