Tips & Advice

She’s Kinky and You’re Vanilla: How to Make it Work

Sexy Vixen with a Whip

You really like a new woman you’re dating and find her very attractive. She’s in an open relationship and knows about your wife, so you’re good to go. The only problem? She’s into all kinds of kinky stuff that you’re not sure about.

Can sex be great between kinky and vanilla partners? Can a relationship evolve if your desires are so different? Here are some points to consider.

Discuss what she needs and how far you are willing to go.

“Kink” is a very broad umbrella. Kinky people are not all matches anymore than kinky and vanilla people. Folks who are turned on by certain fetishes are turned off by others. This is no different. Many kinky lovers enjoy variety including vanilla sex. You might initiate a conversation about what she needs and how flexible you can be.

Ask yourself, are you really vanilla?

You might not be into something specific like sissification, Japanese rope bondage, or feet, but you’re not exactly vanilla.

Even as polyamory is becoming more mainstream, it’s still an unusual lifestyle choice. Even though you and I know it’s natural, serial monogamy or one-on-one-for-eternity monogamy has been the social norm across many cultures for a long time.

So a lot of people would think of you as kinky already, even if you don’t see yourself that way.

Try something new.

You don’t have to be experienced to participate in something kinky. If you’re curious, willing, or just want to be naked with her no matter what it takes, say yes to experimenting and exploring. It can be incredibly arousing to have a kinky woman take the lead and show you the way. Being initiated into submission, S&M, role playing, leather—anything really—can bring back that long-gone, like-a-virgin feeling.

Curious about BDSM? Kink Lovers recently published a great list of all the types of BDSM activities that you might want to check out.

You don’t have to play this way with anyone else, but if you want to try her kinks, let her know and ask her to show you how.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

On the other hand, personal boundaries exist for a reason. It’s one thing to consent to experimenting with her fantasies because you’re so into her, and enjoy transgressing the forbidden for erotic ecstasy. It’s another thing entirely to violate your code.

There are certain kinks I know won’t be fun for me, things that turn me off—piss play, cum drinking, electro-stimulation. I’m not going to engage in them no matter how attracted I am to someone who does.

Compromise with her.

You’re in this together. See if she can tone down the extremes of whatever thrills her, while you remain open and willing to play. Or alternate kinky sex and regular vanilla sex.

Believe it or not, lots of couples with mismatched sexual desires and fantasies play this way and find it fulfilling. See Tips for a Successful Kink-Vanilla Relationship at Kink Lovers.

Explore new things together.

One way to overcome the difference in desires is to experiment together with ways to play that neither of you have experienced. You can use your mutual lust as an opportunity to expand your horizons together.

Are you in a relationship with a woman who is kinkier than you? Share your story in the comments!

Tell us what you think!

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