Is it possible to not fall in love with someone you are in a relationship with?
While falling in love may be something many people long for, there are certain situations where it’s not what you want.
Reasons You May Not Want to Fall in Love
Once Bitten, Twice Shy
If you’re getting over a bad relationships, it’s natural to want to avoid falling in love for a while while you sort things out.
A perfectly good love affair can come knocking when you don’t want to fall in love. The timing is just wrong. You’re caring for your mom, or your wife’s sister is ill, or you’re moving to Egypt for a work contract.
Old Patterns Die Hard
Maybe you’re really into not falling in love because you know you fall for bad boys or narcissist rock stars.
They’re Not Right for You, and You Know It
You don’t want to fall in love because you know you really can’t—you can’t make a life with a carnivore, or an atheist, or a Republican, or a someone who believes pets are reincarnated loved ones.
You Don’t Have Time Right Now
You’re on the front lines at the hospital, working double shifts, and coming home to a few paltry minutes with your kids as it is. Or you’ve still got one year left to finish your studies. Whatever it is, love is the furthest things from your mind.
You Owe Your Attention to Someone Else You Love
Maybe you don’t want to fall in love because you are already in love, with someone you want to be in love with. They deserve your attention and commitment right now, not some new emotional high that happens to come along.
You’re Focusing on Serious Emotional Baggage
If you’re currently in treatment for addiction or trauma, recovering from major depression or cancer, or in AA, your total commitment has to be on recovery and you don’t need any distractions.
Many programs actually require that you not date if you’re not already attached.
It doesn’t have to be this dramatic. You might be trying to change a bad habit or getting over a less serious illness, but you have to guard your limited energy very carefully.
11 Ways to Avoid Falling in Love
1. Keep Your Distance
If you are serious about not falling in love, stop courting the situation.
If they work at a café or the library, start using another route. If they’re married to your brother, avoid situations where you’re alone or chummy together. Be serious and resolved about steering clear of danger.
2. Avoid Sexual Contact
If you’re dating someone new and have strong feelings for them but don’t want to fall in love, then avoid having sex.
You’ll read all kinds of things into it that you usually don’t. Sex can stir up all kinds of emotions and different bonding hormones, not just lust. Maybe you usually have a good handle on that, but not falling in love may depend on you keeping your physical distance until the storm blows over.
3. Avoid Sharing Romantic Experiences
On the other hand, maybe you’re already having casual sex and noticing feelings bubbling up that you weren’t anticipating. It might be best to avoid shared experiences that your mind will glom onto and build in to something that feels connected and difficult to sever.
4. Stop Dating Them
How else to put it? Stop dating them. If you really don’t want to fall in love, move aside.
5. Tell Yourself the Truth
We often drown that small voice inside because the truth is hard to swallow. If there’s a good reason not to fall in love, you know it. Face it. Hear yourself out.
Maybe the person is dangerous emotionally. Maybe it’s just impossible to spread your energy any further than you already are with work, relationships, and commitments. Maybe your situation will hurt someone else or ruin a promise you made and that’s not who you are. Have that heart to heart with yourself.
6. Listen to a Trusted Friend
Talk to a friend or family member who is the voice of reason. Maybe they’ll tell you honestly that they feel you don’t want to fall in love because you are running from happiness. But maybe they’ll remind you that you are running from disaster, and you have to be a grown up.
7. Give Yourself Time
One thing about falling in love—it’s urgent. So take a few weeks, or six months, away from the situation. When you circle back to it, chances are you’ll have more perspective and be in better command of the situation.
8. Limit Texts, Calls, Emails, and Messages
Stop giving the other person all of your attention. How do you date when it’s someone you like but are not in love with? You likely finish necessary tasks and prioritize people you’re with before rushing to text them back. Follow that model.
9. Date Other People
Meet other people and get your mind off the one person you don’t want to fall in love with.
10. Commit Yourself to the Relationship You Do Want
If you are trying to avoid falling in love, and you’re already in a relationship you want to keep, give all of your energy to that relationship. Prioritize it, commit to it, work on it, nurture it.
11. Take Charge Over Your Emotions
The gooey, roller coaster emotions of falling in love are addictive and mesmerizing. They feel fantastic, then painful, then fantastic. The elation and intensity can feel like a drug. Of course, you don’t want to give up the ride.
But if you really don’t want to fall in love, you’ll have to take charge of your emotions and stop letting them control you.
Are you ready to fall in love or are you trying to avoid it? Or is it too late?