Tips & Advice

Learning and Growing in a Polyamory Framework

Couple in Love

One thing I like about polyamory, is that it keeps evolving… if you want it to! I’ve done triads, open relationships, long distance relationships, threesomes galore and orgies.

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I’m in this solo poly phase where I have more lovers than I can count, and I cherish my existence and expanding relationships every single day! I’ve almost reached poly saturation, and I have said goodbye to one person I met recently that I spent all night sucking face with and bonding hearts to… but it just wasn’t meant to be right now.

I say all this to say: poly is mature. And polyamory isn’t for people who like to love and relate like high school students. It really isn’t! I feel like polyamory is Ph’D Love, and monogamy is high school stuff. And it’s not like a high school education in sexuality can’t bring a person joy and contentment in life, lord no! Maybe that’s all someone wants, and that’s the level of love and sex they are very happy to exist on.

Whether it’s literally recreating one’s high school sweetheart relationship and getting married to them, or doing something similar with someone from college or university, and settling down and marrying, that’s Coupledom 101 to me. If that’s all it takes for two people to find happiness in this crazy world… DO IT! I’m all about finding what works for everyone.

But for ME: I KNOW that I could NEVER go back to any kind of monogamous framework.

I have learned many interesting things as my ideas of relationships have expanded in polyamory. There’s “compersion” for other’s happiness, there’s “trust switching” when breakdowns occur, there’s “metamours” to befriend, there’s “NRE” to navigate when new relationships energize and excite other partners… all kinds of new shit is happening!

One term (not of endearment) that I have recently learned of is “breadcrumbing.” I bring it up because it happened to me recently with someone who I cared deeply for. It’s hard to speak of it in the past tense, but this relationship was just not what it used to be. What was the loaf of bread that I used to eat happiness jam sandwiches from with them is now just crumbs. What was full communication, honesty at all times, intimacy, warmth, consideration, kindness, courtesy, manners and respect is now…

Barely anything. A daily communication relationship went four days without a simple reply. Two weeks ago, I invited them to see an art show at OCAD. It happens once a year, is free and was literally two blocks away from where my lover lived, and they still couldn’t respond to me in time to deny their invitation to the event, or reply to me period.

Then I got a one-word reply, when it was too late. Then, I got nothing but negative energy for the first twenty minutes I visited them.

Crumbs of compassion. Mouthfuls of misery, though.

And I don’t suggest you serve crumbs of scraps of pieces of yourself to anyone. Give them a full plate of your personality, or close the kitchen. It sucks to get not enough to eat. In any and every sense of the term.

Don’t drag out a relationship. If you feel different, say so. ASAP.

When it’s toast, it’s toast.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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