Everybody knows that the first few weeks of a new relationship are supposed to be the hottest. Sex all the time, feverish sext exchanges in the anticipation of carnal bliss and the desire to be together all the time.
But what happens to that new relationship energy when it’s up against your limited libido and the continued needs of your existing partners? Here are some suggestions for how to manage this delicate situation.
Don’t Oversell Yourself
It can be tempting to go big with the sexy talk at the beginning, especially if circumstances keep you and your new love from going to bed together right away. Maybe you both have busy schedules, and it’s hard to arrange a date, or you’re in a long-distance relationship and can only meet once a month. Sexting is a great way to keep the blood hot, but be careful that you don’t set things up to be a disappointment.
If you know it’s hard for you to get into the mood when you’re tired, don’t go on and on about how you’re going to ravage your partner the moment you get in the door from a long day at work. Keep your dirty talk general so that it won’t be taken literally.
Make a Plan
Talk to your existing partners about the fact that you might be devoting the majority of your sexual energy to your new partner, at least for a bit. Give them some warning, so that they don’t feel neglected and can make alternate arrangements for sexual satisfaction, if needed.
Approach the topic in a sensitive way—don’t simply state how it will be, but rather have a conversation about timing and expectations. If you feel that it won’t be overwhelming for your new partner, include them in the conversation as well. I’m not suggesting you schedule your sexual encounters like you would date night, just work out an understanding of what you can realistically offer everyone.
Focus on Quality Over Quantity
Make the most of those times you do have sex by focusing on pleasure and creating a meaningful connection. Put your phones away and make a special night of it. Spend lots of time on foreplay, and even get a little adventurous if you’re both up for it. Open up about your fantasies and desires. Set the scene for a hot connection before you even get to the bedroom by showering together or engaging in some erotic massage.
There are lots of things you can do aside from having sexual intercourse that will strengthen your relationships and help you feel more connected. Sometimes I think we focus too much on sex and not enough on the things that make us want to connect in the first place.
Be Kind to Yourself
You’re more than a sex machine, and any partner who is worth their salt will understand that and value you for the many other wonderful things you have to offer. The great thing about being poly is that you’re not obliged to fulfill your partner’s every need. If you can only get it up once a week, but they want it every day, be open to other lovers who can pick up the slack.
Be confident about what you bring to your relationships and know that when you do feel up for sexy time, you’ll make the night one to remember.