Should you have sex with a friend? My automatic reply is HELL YES, but with the best of intentions and respect between everyone involved.
Friends with benefits sounds like eating cake and pie at the same time! But as we know, too much of a good thing can backfire in ways we don’t anticipate. There are a lot of good things about friends with benefits, but there are also risks.
Friendship alone is a noble and worthy goal, and the more men and women and non-binary folks who actually get along with each other makes the world better.
But friendship alone also limits the depth of connection. If everyone were friends, that would be pretty good, but definitely not great. If everyone were lovers, the same situation would apply—it would be great but not good.
Friends with benefits is an extreme challenge because it’s essentially a connection with no “guard rails”. Even though a wedding ring surely never stopped anyone from cheating if they really wanted to cheat, FWB is wide open, guaranteed non-exclusivity to a degree.
Read: 13 Unconventional and Alternative Relationships Explained
6 Reasons Sex with Friends Is a Good Idea
1. You Already Know and Trust Each Other
Having a foundation with someone before sharing the truth of emotional interest is a bonus, because you are not gambling your heart on a stranger (even though anyone can lie at any time no matter what).
You might already have a solid preview of what an intimate connection might be like, as in similar to friendship, with a bedroom bonus. Trusting each other is even more important, and that’s why I say respect is so crucial for a friends-with-benefits situation to be sustainable.
Read: Sex and Friendship: It’s Complicated
2. No Commitment Required
This is one of the biggest benefits of FWB arrangements, and it’s something that should be flexed and celebrated if you get the chance! There is no pressure or expectation like a monogamous relationship.
There is a lot of trust required for the non-commitment clause to be “notarized,” but it’s mature to exchange. Even though commitment isn’t required, truth is always required and so is communication.
Read: 4 Tips for Healthy Friends-with-Benefits Relationships
3. Forget about Relationship Drama
Having a FWB often allows you to talk to your friend about things that some relationships aren’t comfortable or designed to discuss.
Having your lover be in your crew of friends is an evolved step, especially if you can balance friendship and eroticism naturally.
Read: ENM Relationships: 10 Examples of Ethical Non-Monogamy
4. You Can Laugh Off Awkwardness
It sounds simple, but this is a Uno +4 card that you will be happy you both hold as friends when the sexy moments get a little funny or quirky. Friends are easier to laugh with, and some couples don’t share enough silly possibilities. Laugh at the stress!
5. Get Practice and Build Sexual Confidence
The honesty you can share with a FWB can really be something educational, because a solid friendship is made of confession and shared curiosity. Mix this with sexual access, and you can really become someone special.
Read: 5 Tips to Build Your Sexual Confidence
6. It Can Strengthen Friendship
Again, if you play within the established boundaries in a friends-with-benefits relationship, you will be able to have your cake and pie, and eat them both!
Imagine the dual benefits of having your sexual confidence and prowess build with the same person you have a better friendship with as you continue fucking and having fun together.
4 Reasons Sex with Friends Is a Bad Idea
1. It Can Negatively Affect the Friendship Dynamic
Friends with benefits require maturity and adult communication even more precise than polyamory. The fastest way to destroy a FWB relationship is to not share thoughts consistently, or to outright lie.
Not sharing feelings obviously will damage the intimate connection, and the friendship will also suffer because your lover is not separate from your friend!
Read: Tips for Maintaining Communication in Poly Relationships
2. One of You Might Develop Deeper Feelings
I believe all relationships have some degree of emotional power imbalance, but the difference is that in intimate monogamous or polyamorous relationships, at least everyone has access to or the option to ask for intimacy!
Friends with benefits can become a lopsided burden when a person asks for sex and the other person wants to reply more as a friend than as a lover!
Read: How to Not Fall in Love: 11 Tips and Ideas
3. You May End Up Regretting It
Having sex with someone means learning new things about them that can’t be discovered while clothes are on. Sex is crossing the point of no return emotionally and physically. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!
Read: 5 Tips to Stay Friends without the Benefits
4. You Risk Losing the Friendship Altogether
The key to NOT losing a friendship after sex happens is to make sure you do NOT disrespect your friend/lover in any way, shape, or form during sex or while discussing sex after the fact.
The technical truth is ALL relationships have a risk of being lost, ended, discarded, betrayed, broken, or disappointed with. So friends with benefits isn’t as risky as people make it sound, it’s just different. No risk, no reward!
Bon appetit!
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart
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