How to Communicate with Your Poly Lovers

I was floating around Twitter this week, and I came across a cool comment that made me stop and pause, and reflect on the truth it contained. It was addressing the connections that we share between people, and it implored us to focus on the specific expression style that each one of our lovers and important people in our lives prefers.

The recommendation was to “communicate with someone in the love language they speak.” And with that simple statement, I thought “Yes! There is so much wasted energy and problems manifested between people because they are not articulating their needs on the proper wavelength that others want to hear their dreams and desires expressed in.

We used to drop handkerchiefs on the ground to indicate an invitation to conversation, the same way we might send a drink to someone we are interested in getting to know. But as time goes on, humans have developed more ways to reach out and touch someone. We used write classified ads in the back of newspapers to meet people, the same way we use Tinder and Plenty of Fish and Polyamory Date today.

Some people are turned off by certain displays of confidence while others are compelled by acts of open intention. And when we are in relationships, they are even more complex and nuanced, the things we use and choose to let our partners know what we think and feel about them. We get into habits and grooves, do little things at the beginning or end of the day, learn lessons and share boundaries for what works with certain partners, and what doesn’t with others.

Here are some of the most popular modern ways to speak to those you love. Which ones do they like most? Or least? Do you feel the same?

How to Communicate with Your Poly Lovers


Lots of people are very comfortable with texting as the main method of communication in their day-to-day love lives. Sexting exists for a reason you know, ha ha. (And that’s having mental/physical “solo sex” through text and words if anyone doesn’t know by now.) The younger generations are far more comfortable texting sexy pictures and words and videos to each other.

Some people get very offended if you don’t reply to their texts in time, or with mono-syllable words as responses to long messages and paragraphs or meaningful confessions. Texting is one of the main love languages of the modern era, and with emojis and memes out there, love can be shown in a billion ways through texting. If you want!

Phone Calls

This is the old school original era of communication that I am most comfortable with. The warmth of the human voice is something that will never lose value to me, and I love long phone calls with people who have the attention span to share their thoughts and feelings. The truth can be heard quite clearly with the voice, and of course lies can also be heard.

People don’t seem to give out their phone numbers the same way they do their handles for Instagram or Twitter as a way of connecting, but it’s still a viable love language for millions of folks out there. Call up an old lover!

Video Chats

In the last year, a lot of people have learned how to use video chatting services like Zoom to share their thoughts and feelings with the people they love. Some creative folks are connecting through online concerts, sex parties, and even poly meetups. It’s been a total renaissance of human ingenuity, with some gatherings having dozens if not hundreds of attendees connecting.

I am not comfortable sharing intimate feelings on video calls, but I used to this way of connecting during the holidays when I couldn’t in person. I’m not quite the type to try and replace sex with video calls, but it can be done. You know you’ve thought about it, if not tried it!


The good old classic mode of love language expression. We have to be careful these days with how we visit each other, but when it is safe, it’s something like no other experience in life. The sexual, emotional, social, and intellectual possibilities are endless when we are in each other’s presence. Not to be a downer, but it’s also the easiest way to learn how much you don’t connect with someone if it’s your first time meeting.

In this time of skin hunger, we can’t take that blessing of a connection for granted whatsoever. Every single physical bond we get to share is its own unique, sacred and special experience that expands the meaning of each relationship we are present within. The in-person touch is my favorite love language of all!


This is a very special and semi-rare type of love language, and not everyone gets to experience it together. I swear to you with all my heart: You WILL learn the depths of your affection for someone if you travel a long distance with them to anywhere in the world.

The adventure you share, the survival tactics you will engage in, the bonding that will come from making memories together, the one-of-a-kind sexual experiences you might have on the road, and whatever other exciting surprises beyond that are not to be denied!

I just took a very brief road trip to a small town two hours away with a lover last weekend, just to get some fresh air in our hair and a change of scenery. It was a joyful experience even though the town center was only two blocks of stores, and the busiest place in town was the local Tim Hortons. Didn’t matter. We traveled together, sharing music, food, loving touches, and conversation.

Until we can travel the world together, let us all enjoy the many ways we express our love to our lovers! And find more creative means along the way!

Addi Stewart


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