Polyamory: Giving and Receiving Advice

Would You Eat Your Words?

We’ve all been there before. Someone asks your opinion on a relationship situation they’re dealing with, and you feel like you have good advice for them… even if you’ve never been in that exact situation!

Do you tell someone something you believe regarding love and sex because you heard from society that it’s good or not good, or because you know from experience that it’s good or not good? There’s a world of difference, and this world leads more souls astray than we may ever know…

As I was walking home last week, I passed two people and overheard one say “…and that’s the most important part of a relationship!” Oddly, I had crossed paths with someone I used to work with. I turned around and said hi to him and the lady he was with, and I asked him, “So what’s the most important part of a relationship?” His opinion on that question was too good not to share. Of course, he said “SEX is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.” To which I agreed.

I talked to both of them for half an hour… and discovered the SINGLE solitary reason that relationships break down, as well as another reason that broken down relationships don’t heal as steadily and completely as possible.

The lady friend shared that she had just broken up with a man, and that she was not currently happy with relationships. I told her that I did relationship therapy and was interested in hearing her story.

She revealed that the man she was with was notably older than she and was lying to her for a long time, saying he wasn’t attending sex clubs, when it turned out he was. The guy I knew said to her: “The fact the man was 50 and went to sex clubs were your two red flags!” and began to console her. He also gave advice along the lines of ‘you do know you have to take a certain amount of responsibility for not following your instincts when you saw the red flags’ to which she agreed. Considering I mainly knew him from a few years ago, and only met her this very night, I was hesitant to counter the advice given to her. But I had to say something I felt was true, or else I could not sleep peacefully when I got home.

I contributed my confession to the conversation: “I had a relationship with a 49-year-old woman last year. And I went to sex clubs, too! But the difference is: I told everyone I was intimate with at the time that I was doing so. That’s why I feel like I betrayed no one, even though I was engaging in somewhat untraditional behaviour…”

And to my surprise, she revealed that she was more comfortable with the idea of sex clubs than a traditional monogamous woman might be (she was slightly curious about going to one!) and the central issue that made her feel heartbroken and hurt was the amount of time and trust she sacrificed and invested. She felt her vulnerability was met with a masquerade of lies; and her kindness was met with selfishness. THAT was what broke her heart, not the age difference or what society thought of it, nor even his desire to go to sex clubs. His lack of integrity over an extended period of time in the face of unconditional love, compassion and an open-minded acceptance of new possibilities.

How many people are curious or interested in polyamory, sex clubs, and even relatively unconventional relationships… but have their highest hopes, adventurous dreams, and erotic aspirations destroyed by selfish, lying, greedy men who manipulate and abuse this special trust for their own power-tripping dark desires to control and deceive others.

“I was willing to experiment and explore a lot for him… but he broke my trust.”

I looked her straight in the eyes and said, “now, it’s time for you to care about YOUR healing, and take care of YOUR heart. He does not know what kind of a blessing he lost, but you deserve to love again, so make sure you treat your heart with compassion and kindness until you are ready to love again…” and we hugged and said good night.

Integrity: the essential ingredient in the complex recipe for any delicious relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous. Please don’t put poisonous personal ingredients in the polyamorous sharing stew! It always affects both your partner and you. Every chef knows that using only quality ingredients makes for the best results when everyone eats together!

I’d also like to suggest: try not to spread unhealthy advice about life situations you have no personal experience with, either. If you’ve never eaten ackee, how do you know what it tastes like? Thus, how valuable or nourishing would your advice be on the good and bad results, if you’ve never tried ackee but only heard what other people might have said about it? Such is the same with polyamory, sex clubs, and even relationships with diverse age ranges. If you’ve never tried it, how solid would the integrity of your advice be?

Especially polyamory. There’s a world of different wisdom between spectator and participant in the realm of evolved relationships.

Always in love,
Addi Stewart

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