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Emotional Consistency in Poly Relationships

Couple Bonding

Consistency is the Father of Faith

I don’t know if anyone in high school is reading these articles, but I’m going to make references to my own high school days, and I hope no young polyamorists take offense. I make reference to those days, because when I was in high school, relationships were based on pure insecurity and dependency, and the main way people proved their consistency was by how long they could hold hands in the hallway, or who could have the most ostentatious public displays of affection, whether sexual or material, and of course, who could stay together the longest. How many of those relationships turned into healthy examples of happily ever after bliss, and maybe even matrimonial paradise? Is that the best love story we can aspire to? Not unless that’s our dream, and if your dream is to have a monogamous relationship with your high school sweetheart, then I hope it came true for you!

What I’m trying to say in this piece, is that emotional consistency is the provider of the pulse for what people consider the life of a relationship, even if they don’t put it into words or concrete thoughts. They just feel it and know it.

But in polyamory, I think consistency takes on different meanings, and can be manifested from different activities that represent connection. We can participate and practice all those cutesy things we did in high school to show our undying love and affection for our betrothed significant, holding hands is fun and kissing in public is never something I will endorse being reduced (KISS MORE PEOPLE IN PUBLIC!!!), but those can be surface activities of just going through the motions that do not actually connect to any tangible consistent care or even compassion. On the other hand, they can be part of a beautiful spectrum of expression, where one person does not need the typical time and space statistical examples of expression and presence. Do we need to phone our lovers or text our partners every day? Do we need to email them pictures (whether nude selfies or the latest hilarious internet meme) constantly? Do we need to see each other as many days a week as possible? Do we need to live together to prove our love?

I personally say “no… and not quite” to all of these questions. But at the same time, I will not say that answering “yes” to the questions would be wrong! That’s the beauty of polyamory: the flexibility to express the necessary contact to make the relationship remain real, regardless of the traditional rituals that humans have used. We don’t need to get married. But we can be married, and have an open marriage that includes some rather advanced polyamory and special boundary setting. We don’t need to do anything our parents or grandparents did. We can create our own ¬†necessities and requests from each of our partners. I have a supremely special lover I see probably five times a year. I don’t consider her any less of a relationship than the magnificent new lover I’ve happened to see every week for the last few months. Nor are they considered any less important than the heavenly intense sexual dream lover I have been seeing twice a month for two years consistently.

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Once a person knows what they need and want from another person, it’s easy to know if they are getting it with regularity… or scarcity.

Get it! There’s so much in the world of love, sex and connection that is here to be given to you… it takes not much more than unwavering faith.

In consistent Love,
Addi Stewart

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Tell us what you think!

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