Polyamory Dating

Unicorn Hunting: Threesomes, Polyamory, and Ethics

Couple in Underwear on Phone

Have you and a partner ever sought out a bisexual female for sexy threesome hookups or long-term sexual encounters together?

That’s exactly what is meant by “unicorn hunters.”

Finding a hot single woman who is bisexual and wants to join a committed couple for no-strings-attached sex is not easy. She’s so rare, according to urban legend, that she is called a unicorn after the mythical beast that has only been spotted a few times.

The word “unicorn” sounds cute and beautiful but for some, “unicorn hunters” and “unicorn hunting” have a predatory ring. Often the term is used in a derogatory or dismissive way, and few couples will advertise themselves as “unicorn hunters” even if that is what they are doing. This is because “hunting” sounds oppressive and harmful. Many couples will say “unicorn seeking” instead, or “searching for a third.”

Let’s unpack a little more about unicorn hunters and whether unicorn hunting can be part of ethical polyamory.

What Is Unicorn Hunting?

Unicorn hunting is the search for a third partner by a couple seeking a threesome or by a couple looking for a third for a throuple.

The unicorn is usually a bisexual female, as the most popular threesome fantasy is the FFM threesome.

With most couples fantasizing about sharing a threesome experience with another woman, and so few single bisexual women looking for a couple to have threesomes with, it’s easy to see how the moniker “unicorn” came about. Sexual unicorns are rare indeed.

And because MMF threesomes are also in demand, some do find themselves looking for a male unicorn.

Read: How To Find a Unicorn for a Couple

Poly couple with unicorn on beach

Polyamory vs Threesome Unicorn Hunters

Threesomes are an extremely popular sexual fantasy for men, women, and nonbinary lovers alike. They are a very common fantasy for straight, gay and bisexual lovers. Many people experiment with threesomes a few times in their life to fulfill the fantasy, and many also experiment regularly or make threesomes a regular part of their sexual expression.

Polyamorous people often choose to share their lovers with their primary partners, or to live in a polycule with three, sometimes called a “throuple.”

Polyamory generally seeks a third lover for sex that involves some kind of relationship with the new partner. If it’s a long-term relationship with all three parties, it’s a throuple or polycule. It may be a casual but regular relationship. In most cases the new party is also understood to seek out partners of her own as a polyamorous woman, although in polycules many are committed to members of that polycule only or specific boundaries and terms.

Read: Finding a Unicorn for You and Your Poly Partner

Is Unicorn Hunting Bad?

Unicorn hunting has a predatory ring to it, and may have been coined in the first place as a derogatory term for couples seeking a single bisexual female for a threesome. But there are also “bargain hunters” and “mystery hunters” and all kinds of other nonsexual kinds of hunting that don’t have the same stigma.

Unicorn hunting is not in and of itself unethical. Couples seeking a female for a sexual threeway, whether once or in a longer term scenario such as a throuple, are simply looking for what everyone in the dating scene is looking for—a lover who shares their sexual desires and wants to explore those together.

Read: How to Find a Threesome in the Polyamory Community

The fact that there are many couples seeking and not as many single women looking does not make unicorn hunting wrong. All kinks and desires among consenting adults are a valid expression of sexuality.

So what’s the problem, then? Why does unicorn hunting have a negative reputation and a bad rap?

You may have noticed that the most stigma comes from within the polyamory community—the very community where unicorn hunting most commonly takes place.

The unicorn hunting stigma comes from some political ideologies within polyamory on hierarchical polyamory versus non-hierarchical polyamory. It is also out of concern for the single female who may traditionally get the short end of the stick if things go south.

Read: 4 Tips for the Unicorn in a Threesome

Hierarchical Polyamory vs Non-Hierarchical Polyamory

Hierarchical polyamory versus non-hierarchical poly is all about whether it is ethical to have a primary partner or a committed relationship that matters more than other relationships. In non-hierarchical polyamory, there is no primary partners, secondary, or tertiary. All lovers and relationships are on equal footing.

The disagreement or tension between traditional polyamorists (hierarchical, although they were given this title by non-hierarchical polyamorists and don’t usually prefer its use) and non-hierarchical polyamorists is that the latter views the former as non-egalitarian and therefor not ethical. After all, why should any partner be more important or more special?

This sounds reasonable in terms of treating all lovers with respect and honesty. But polyamorists who are invested in a primary relationship may not find it reasonable to equate a casual affair with a long-term marriage. “Of course the guy I blew in a bathhouse on my trip to Paris does not have the same significance to me and my decisions as the mother of my children who I live with and work for.”

Because many couples seeking a unicorn are intentionally wanting to ensure that the new girl “doesn’t come between us in any way” this could hypothetically mean she is treated carelessly and her feelings don’t matter. The unicorn is potentially “the third wheel on the wagon.” These are some of the reasons why unicorn hunting is viewed dimly.

Ethical Unicorn Hunting

The best way for unicorn hunters to ensure ethical unicorn hunting is to make sure polyamorous values like consent, honesty, and respect are prioritized.

Read: How to Practice Ethical Nonmonogamy

If you are a couple seeking another woman for sex, think about what you want in advance. Is it a casual no-strings-attached fling? Is it someone who joins you on special occasions?

Think about how you will handle different situations, friendship, and sex outside the threesome.

Be very honest about what you are looking for, and be true to your word and the agreed upon arrangements.

Treat your unicorn as the respected guest and desirable goddess that she is, not as a threat, fresh meat, or less equal or important than you are.

Read: Couples Dating Sites: Find a Couple or Third

Did you find a unicorn? Tell us in the comments below.

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