5 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask a Poly Woman

Talking Polyamory

Polyamory is a way of life that requires much open communication, mature and direct open discussions of inner emotions, and lots of moments of truth and revelation. It’s all about playing no games while having all one’s cards on the table, and being totally naked about one’s intentions and desires with others. I find polyamorous people or those exploring polyamory are usually more prepared to learn and grow psychologically, and ready to accept the brutal truths and unusual thoughts of the others they share their bodies and souls with. That being said, there are a few bold but astoundingly foolish questions that a man can ask. Here they go!

5 Questions I Don’t Ask Polyamorous Women

1. “How many partners have you been with?”
The Kiss Of Death to ask all women, especially a woman who does not follow traditional sexual rules and conventions. The unnecessary and immature judgement of a person’s sexuality based solely on the quantity of partners they have had intercourse with is a Pandora’s Box of Infinite Idiocy Not Worth Opening. Unless you have removed all negative judgements from your mental and spiritual system, asking this loaded question is generally just not that smart. You don’t need to know as much as they don’t need to know the number of partners you’ve been with. It’s just a suggestion of mine, but if you feel different, good luck with that.

2. “Why don’t we spend more time together?”
People are busy these days. People are distracted these days. Hell, people are downright confused these days. Women, men, trans folks, animals, Mother Nature… everything and everyone is changing. To expect poly people to have the same schedule as you is to expect pain and heartache. Having an open mind and a forgiving heart is a recipe for success in polyamory. You can state your availability and make peace with those who can’t meet your requests, but to push someone else to bend their schedule to your needs is in poor taste.

3. “When will you invite one of your friends along on a date?
Just… don’t. If you look deeper into this question, there is a genuine, gentlemanly request hidden in it. If you see it for face value, it’s pretty sleazy and selfish. If you don’t know how to rephrase it to be more honorable to polyamory and women… Don’t even. “I thought our types of polyamory were compatible. Am I wrong?”

Let time teach you two if you have cohesive chemistry. Don’t let guilt be your guide to a connection with someone. Some guys come to the conclusion that all polyamorous people will connect on some level, because we are each other’s oysters in a sea of monogamous fishes. Just because they share a similar philosophy doesn’t mean they practice it the same way. Not everyone into hip hop music is into the same rap artists, just because they all listen to the same subculture, and this is exactly the same in the sexuality of polyamorous people!

4. “Why aren’t you into (insert unique fetish here)? You are polyamorous. I thought you were open minded!”
This would be the French Kiss of Death. The most asinine assumption a person could make, unfortunately. To expect that a polyamorous person would automatically share one’s other peculiarities is the clueless cliff jump to a crashing conclusion. Polyamory is a very broad term for a vast group of individuals who all practice different definitions of poly, and some of them have NOTHING to do with any other realm of sexuality that is not policed militantly by heteronormative patriarchy, and may be even equally conservative in its own right. Some poly people negotiate relationships with 8 sex partners simultaneously, other poly people are perfectly fine with a primary partner plus a second part-time playmate to only kiss every third Friday of the month. It’s all good as long as it’s honest. And there’s nothing more dishonest than forcing one’s fetish on the back of another philosophy for the sake of manifesting a freaky fantasy.

But ultimately, as the Buddha says: there is no such thing as a stupid question. There may be a stupid expectation that someone will respond positively to your dangerous question, though! And that’s the other warning you can take with you, o curious poly person.

You have to communicate clearly in polyamory and you have to ask for what you want… but don’t ask for trouble!!!

In Love,
Addi Stewart

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