Polyamory Dating

5 Ways To Be Clear about Your Intentions

Woman Listening Attentively to Her Date

Even though Hollywood is a dumpster fire shit show right about now, thanks to that creepy bastard Harvey Weinstein, there is still value to the art form of movies themselves.

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Movies make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us horny, he he… and when they are done right, they make us think. They make us think about eternal relationship truths too, when they are done really well. Sadly, those movies don’t come out as much as they used to.

Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Gabrielle Union and Julia Roberts movies don’t have the pull they used to. Matthew McConaughey doesn’t even cheese up the romcoms he used to melt!

Why does all this matter? Because I don’t think ANY of those movies stars ever acted in a romantic comedy that featured outright polyamory as an option! Because damn near every romcom is based on a few basic problems. How do I reveal my desires to this person? When do I make a first move on this person? And the big one that separates movies from polyamory in real life: How do I handle this person having another love interest in their life?

Damn the profits, monogamy must be upheld at any cost, says Hollywood! Well, all us new age evolved people say: Fuck all that!

One thing almost every romcom has serious problems with is: People being clear with each other. This is like pulling poly teeth out of a monogamous mouth—it’s SO hard. In the real world, where real people take real responsibility for their real desires, it’s a different story.

Being SUPER CLEAR is a very poly thing to do. I thought of 5 ways to be transparent with someone who has you all up in your feelings and shit. There are more, obvi, so add your own extras. This is polyville—population: the world!
Get involved! Anyways, let’s get some more freedom for our minds and souls.

5 Ways to Be Clear about Your Intentions

1. Express Your Physical Desires for Connection

People don’t have a clue if the next person beside them craves their touch. Make the Moment of Truth, and say so in a very straight forward and simple way of speaking (or whatever you speak like, but I suggest not being abstract about this!) In the words of Treach & Tupac: Let it be known!

Share your desire with no strings attached, with no expectations for reciprocation, and with no demands or pressure to conform or connect. This is just a declaration of admiration, to lighten the burden of the secret. Their reaction is another story…

2. Express Your Mental State of Affairs

This is something that requires a higher level of self-awareness than some people might be comfortable with sharing or dealing with, but for those who know themselves, the universe is theirs to play with.

Tell others where your head is at, and how your life is treating your existence and aspirations around it. If you’re not in a place where you want to form this connection, articulate that when the issue comes up. But if you are in a good head space for new situations to unfold, then be like. “I’m good to go!”

3. Express Your Intentions with a Person

Intentions are LIED ABOUT so fucking often that it ruins the whole damn thing we’re trying to do here with human civilization and sexuality and shit!

A simple “I’d like to be friends, and then maybe lovers if it feels right” is a pretty harmless and honest statement to make, and shouldn’t get someone in trouble—I don’t think! I usually just say, “I’d like to kiss you” or “I feel attraction to you, and would like to make love if you’d like.” It has always worked in getting the truth from a woman’s lips.

Let her know that what you say and do is going to be aligned with integrity, and that what you intend on bringing into her/his/their life is your authentic self, and nothing else they don’t want to deal with. Be crystal clear about this.

4. Share Your Present Relationship History

This is where real polyamory comes to light and life, yo. What’s going on in your pants, and where do I fit in? is basically what’s being asked here, but not in a disrespectful and smarmy way. This is where the mystery stops and the answers start. “Is this person with anyone else?” and “Is this person poly?”

This is where the possibility of connection is made known. Can y’all put together this thing y’all are doing up? Are people able to insert this new person into the poly family they got? Welp, there is only one way to find out, and that has to start with some information. Let them know a few things about what is going on, and then play connect the sexy dots.

5. Express (a little bit of) Your Past Relationship History

There will be time to get deeper, and find out what you believe about starting families and sharing toothbrushes and all that. For now, let a few of your stories out. Share some history, something about yourself and how you got to this moment.

No need to talk about every relationship since you were sixteen, but it’s good to speak respectfully about your favorite exes, or whatever sexual history you want to offer. “Trading war scars,” as the saying goes, is a very bonding game.

6. Avoid Talking about the Distant Future

Discuss future rendezvous plans and maybe a possible dream vacation, but I highly recommend NOT talking about stuff that only grandparents deal with. As wise Albert Einstein said, “I never think about the future. It eventually comes.” So, if you live a great today with the person, then it will lead to a great tomorrow. Water plus seed plus sun has to make a plant grow—it’s one of the fundamental laws of the universe!

Are we crystal clear about this? I know that I’ve been super clear and honest about my intentions to illustrate my feelings about communicating openly in this post.

The easiest way to be absolutely clear about your desires, intentions, and feelings about a person is to simply speak from the heart. I know this is easier said than done.

They may say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but they never told you: The road to heaven is paved with GOOD EXPRESSIONS.

Kisses and love,
Addi Stewart

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