We all have our limits, right? Were you at that Raptors parade? It was RIDICULOUSLY CROWDED—human bodies as far as the eye could see, and packed like Japanese-subway-tight sardines vacuum sealed by NASA. I reached my maximum limit of how much human energy I could withstand. I nearly passed out a few times, and I almost begged strangers for water.
I got to the point of using other human bodies to support my weight, as my legs completely gave out under me. I found my limit for what I would be willing and able to accept and ingest from the public thrall. Sometimes, I wanted to push everyone away and scream. And I’m sure that’s how some people in polyamory feel about their lovers and friends at times.
So many updates, notifications, DMs, texts, and just overwhelming demands on our time and attention that sometimes people just shut down and shut off, before they shut out. And that can take the form of said digital media blackout, which we all need to do from time to time or else these incessant devices will become our technological masters.
I sometimes don’t respond to messages, or else I’d never stop responding. And sometimes, it’s from lovers that I would like to spend time with, but I just don’t have the energy to immediately react accordingly to every request and every question. Some people take it very personally when you don’t instantly reply to their messages, and that’s just too much for me to keep up with.
I know I’m not playing a cat and mouse game with people’s attention, since I don’t expect people to reply to me immediately either. I know I give the space I want, and I allow the same courtesy I ask for. But at times, it can have an adverse effect on the connection, since not everyone is this loose and easy going. And those are the relationships that I don’t have polyamorous connections to. Seems more like business, and I don’t keep those people in the same place in my heart, if I keep them at all.
Some people DO push other people away to see how far they will go before they turn around and come back, and I choose to not tempt fate by playing Russian Roulette with romance.
I know others who are not the cuddly type, and don’t like affectionate relationships to tangle their intentions and interests. They just don’t get close to anyone, and they have the relationships they want, when they want them, how they want them, and then disappear when they don’t want that thing anymore. As long as they let me know that they are going to do something like that at some point, I’m not that miffed about their smoke and mirrors act.
Technically it’s not breaking any promises, which is the main thing we’re trying to do here, so if they lay it out on the
table and tell me they need to create distance from time to time to make sure they don’t get too attached, or because they have professional obligations to protect, or just because they’re like some new-school version of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, and can’t face up to it yet… I’m good.
But, I still want to be as close as possible for as long as possible. That’s the main goal we’re aiming for, right?
Come close and confirm it for me,
Addi Stewart
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