Who Holds the Cards in Your Poly Relationships?

This post is not science, fact-based, a product of focus-group tested information, nor a puff piece or click-bait rag to try and get some hateful group to populate the blog and bomb my comments section. I’m not that desperate for attention, thank you so very kindly.

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This post is completely based on my experiences, as usual, but sometimes I try to slide in a few real world facts and figures to even the odds. This time? Nah.

I could be way off from what you see and feel, but I don’t deny that both of our truths can co-exist simultaneously in this very vast planet we are all trapped on. Nevertheless, I learned something recently and this thought has blasted my brain open more than most of the ideas I dumpster dive for as I explore every source of information I can.

So you should have seen the shock and awe on my face when I found this intimacy bomb:

The person who cares the least controls the quality of the relationship.

Ouch. I grazed my eyes across that sentence this week, and each word stabbed me in the cornea then cranium deeper with each inch that I processed the thought. My brain flooded with all the times this unspoken ugly fact had reared its bald skull in defiance of any dignified behaviour I was trying to display and offer to my partner.  

Even if the person who cares the most is really clear and communicative and doing their best to control things and to create a functional relationship, their efforts will be sabotaged by the failures to co-operate and comply and simply just care about all the concern the first person has.

The person who gives less of a fuck is the person who has more impact. If a relationship is lucky as hell, then it’s almost balanced fifty-fifty, and it’s really hard to tell who cares less, so both people can deal with the imbalance.

I want to say a few things that might not make some people happy, but they are simply based on my experiences, and they are well-rounded observations, not eternal judgements. I also know that I am biased and not objective, so I do my best to still love and respect those who I am disappointed with or at worst, have sexual strife with.

Speaking only about my experience in 2017 thus far, I’d have to say I’m underwhelmed by the lack of integrity by a high number of women who seem to take possessing responsibility to their personal promises for granted. Not everyone of course, goodness no. I’m at the peak of my romantic connections. And I definitely don’t want to say that women always care less in polyamorous relationships, because that is absolute insanity, and a total lie that would never be condoned or endorsed here.

In the last three months, I have felt the sad impact of a whole bunch of intersectional forces at play: misogyny, patriarchy, stress, technology, economy, gender, politics, injustice and Trump.

As a result, what I’m seeing is an unsettling modern scenario where lots of women don’t have much reason or incentive to trust men… because for years and decades even, men haven’t cared enough either about improving as lovers or as human beings who are good to women. So, everyone who hasn’t been trying to care has controlled the quality of modern relationships.

And here we are. Whew. I hope you understand my point, and I hope you are with someone who cares about the relationship as much as you do.

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