I didn’t want to do it, but my hand got forced. No, it wasn’t too much masturbation (Too much? What does that even MEAN? I have no clue or measurement!)
I had to send a TEXT BOMB. It wasn’t an ultimatum or a mind game to manipulate a response—I don’t do that, and I don’t think anyone in healthy polyamorous relationships would do that. I had to say something to someone who means a lot to me, because they weren’t acting like I mean anything to them.
It had gotten to the point of complete collapse, where their words were not expressing the emotions that they convey to me anymore, and they don’t act in accordance to any commitment or dignifying promises. I don’t say things just to say them to her, but I feel like she does to me.
Even though we are poly and nowhere near monogamish or isolated to one another (we had a few amazing memories at Oasis Sex Club, and a foursome that shook the foundations of the high rise we were in one Saturday night) there is still something worth respecting and salvaging, I hope. I will soon find out if she has the same hopes and dreams.
A few weeks ago, I sent a text: “I would love to explore deeper intimacy with you.”
She replied a few days later, expressing a desire to do exactly that. It was nice, but it was also Arsenio Hall-ish to me: things that make you go hmmm.
I felt that if she really wanted to increase the intimacy, she would 1) reply immediately, 2) reply slowly, but set up a time to be intimate immediately, or 3) keep in touch more often. None of these things are happening, and we’ve had AMAZING sex quite a few times. Over a dozen, for sure.
I sincerely care about this woman. She’s not some random swipe right who I don’t feel any feelings for. I visited her in the hospital when she was there last year. Hospital visits are on the list of things you do for people who mean more than a booty call to you, innit? In my world, it is.
Welp, I just sent her a text: “I hope you’re doing good. Oh, we feel like you take us for granted. Who is us? My dick, my heart and me.” That’s it. Straight goods. My thoughts, nothing else. I hope she reads it and replies with her heart’s truth, but it’s been two days, and she’s not said anything.
Kanye shrug is my reply right now because I’m honestly so blessed with love from people who love and prioritize me. I just wanted to invite this one other lover in. But if she doesn’t want to… oh well.
You can lead a lover to a fantasy, but you can’t make them feel bliss.
Sincerely,
Addi Stewart
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