There’s a Poly First Time for Everything

I have a few prevailing beliefs and philosophies that carry me well through this rough journey called life, and the even rougher adventure called Love.

One belief: No relationship is meant to last forever… the only thing that can last forever, is the memories that we make. Also: The memories we make are the only things we can truly own with the people in our relationships. We can never really own them. (Consensual BDSM games and scenes aside, of course! ) And one of the last things that I live and breathe by is: There are infinite virginities to lose… well, not lose, but give away in life!

Having penis-in-vagina penetrational coitus is great and all—it’s really my favorite thing in the world—but the truth is that there’s a million firsts in sex that are also very interesting in their own ways. First orgy! First anal! First dress-up in leather scene! First time having sex in a car! First time out with a poly partner and meeting someone else that is cool with the whole poly thing!

There are so many wonderful firsts that are worth celebrating and exploring that sex itself shouldn’t really be the pinnacle (unless that’s your thing… cause it’s kinda my thing, LOL!) I know not everyone has the same desire level, so run with it, whatever you’re into.

That being said: in polyamory, there are always always ALWAYS new frontiers to discover if you are solo-poly, or slutty poly, or anarchist poly, or just active poly. Even if you are in a closed polycule, there are new emotions that are guaranteed to build up over time and evolve and develop. It’s not really a thing that can be avoided. Life is made by regular intervals of regular cycles, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. But every day and every week can and does bring a something new thing to life, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

In my life I try to have stability and somewhat foolishly do my best to make sure one relationship doesn’t affect other relationships, but it really doesn’t work out that way. They have to have some impact in a way, but it depends on whether they feed into each other or fracture each other from the friction of the web they are connected in.

I’ve had times where it all works out and things are fabulous… but honestly, THESE days? It’s really damn hard to be poly for reasons that I’d rather not discuss, as if the news wasn’t already flooded with chest-choking sad news. Still, we persevere! And when we do that, we find new ways to do new things with new people, or just new things with the same loved ones we trust and care for, which can be equally as insightful!

Polyamory Firsts

First Time You Get Dumped by Text

This still happens, believe it or not. I experienced this recently, and it’s still a heartbreaker when it happens. You hope to leave some things in your past, in your younger years, but that snarly monster comes to bite your soul occasionally. Some people in poly are kind enough to meet you face to face and tell you about the trust switch or the intimacy ending, but some of them are really not able to call or meet in person or anything more gentle. It’s rough.

First Time You Kiss Your Partner’s Partner

This one is a shocker, and is a moment to always acknowledge as something that can be a major step forward in connections. You are with one partner, and you are blessed with the presence of another… and instead of just hanging out and talking and getting to know each other, someone might make a suggestion to kiss and cuddle up, and it might be just the right time to do it up! You never know, but when it goes down, it’s really fun.

First Time You Do Something Sexy in Public

There are some of us who are born exhibitionists, and we can’t wait for the first time we get to have a really intimate encounter in the open public with a poly partner, whether it’s having sex on a beach or a hot make-out session at the local park. It doesn’t matter where, only that it’s the first time you get to enjoy a partner in a place that isn’t in the privacy of your own bedroom or home. These are milestones in a relationship that are worth noting.

First Time You Meet the Parents or Children

This is a moment to pause, reflect, gather yourself as best you can, and get your sh!t If you’re meeting the parents, you may not be telling them the entirety of your situation (unless they are progressive which is cool) but regardless you want to show respect, even if you know their child is with more than one person. And if you are meeting with your partner’s children, then you SURE want to be as discreet and respectful as you need to be in every moment.

First Time You Talk about Another Partner

This may seem like a small one, but it can cause serious impact on a relationship if it comes up at the wrong time. I have a poly rule I like to live by: “When we’re making love, AND afterwards when I’m post-coital with you, please do not mention anyone who is not in the room with us specifically!”

I am super poly and happy with sharing partners and all that, but when I’m INSIDE someone literally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually, I do not like to hear about other dudes. First time you talk about another partner to me, I HOPE is during a regular conversation or some logical situation where it makes comfortable sense to bring him up!

There are hundreds if not thousands of other firsts on their way into your heart and life if you are open to it…

Addi Stewart

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