Starting Over in Polyamory

Mother Nature does it. Grandma does it. Mother does it. And the New York Yankees do it. What, you ask? Spring cleaning. Starting over fresh. Do you ever feel like doing that sometimes?

It’s not recommended to do very often in polyamory, but in the game of life and love, there are a few rare moments when one feels like it’s right to hit the reset button.

It doesn’t necessarily mean cutting everyone off and abandoning ship, but it may mean taking a six-month hiatus from all connections and expectations from people in your love circle.

I’ve only done it once, with three lovers, when I was in my early thirties. One of them lived out of town, one of them lived in my city but was going through housing troubles that made her situation unstable, and one of them was a complex situation that is hard to describe in a single sentence.

I was with all three of them for just over a year. I was very blessed and happy, especially since they all knew each other, knew about each other, and shared me at times with one another. They also had their own blossoming friendships that grew beyond me momentarily.

When I realized that I couldn’t sustain the long-distance relationship with the same intensity of connection as the other two, I gracefully bowed out and she sincerely understood. We speak from time to time, and there are no hard feelings between us.

The other two lovers soon after felt like it was time to separate, in part because there was a certain synergy between us all on an unspoken level that was now gone. Sometimes you just need a break, a change, a different type of partner or lover or connection.

It was a few years before I started doing sex work and pornography, so I was transitioning in my identity. I was happy these people weren’t angry when our connection changed direction. We didn’t have a hard breakup, but things stopped being intimate.

If you get there… you will know. I recommend being rational in your decisions, taking your time. But when the feeling is still there for a week or month or more, know that it’s real. You can slowly but surely wipe the slate. Ask for a clean break, and be respectfully friendly about it. Clean heart—clean start!

These days, I have six lovers on a whole other level, and I love my life.

Addi Stewart

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