Definitions and Titles in Poly Relationships

Woman Texting in Bed

In Another Lifetime… Maybe We Coulda Been Something

You ever see someone who you had something special with, but it just didn’t work out because of one tiny yet enormous little thing? Someone who you had 85% of paradise mapped out with, but then the last 15% sunk the rest of the dream?

Well, I’ve had a few lovers who were massive monuments to hope and potential… yet, due to some glitch in the destiny matrix, it just didn’t turn out as dreamed. And we went our separate ways.

Most of the time, I’m still able to be friends with these close-call, alternate-dimension, almost wives of mine. I have one in particular who will ALWAYS hold an eternally sacred space in my heart, and one whom I still spend time with every year, when we laugh, reminisce, and catch up on what each other has been doing in the interim.

This person has been my poly lover, my best friend, my musical collaborator, my therapist, my financial investor, my wedding date, my sexual adventurer, my enemy, my teacher, and my non-blood-related family member, so you can imagine how complex and meaningful it is for us to connect when we do spend time together.

When was the last time we drank, laughed our faces off, and hugged about the good ol’ days we shared and survived together? My 40th birthday, dontcha know? And this lover of mine was there for my 25th birthday party, and she planned my 30th birthday… so we been thru nuff stuff, trust me.

But, there was ONE issue we could NEVER get around, and it caused us to go our separate ways. She felt that I should be a primary poly lover of hers, and I felt like I didn’t need to articulate the distinction of primary lover because we lived together and were together for over five years at the time.

I loved her like she was my primary, but she didn’t feel like I did because I didn’t use those words. It revealed a value differential that altered each other’s perspective of one another. It was an issue that became bigger and bigger as time went on, and more lovers and more sexual experiences became history between us.

I’ll never forget walking into a situation of her and someone who shall forever remain nameless. I was okay with their potentially unconsented seuxal. It had been a fantasy in the making from the younger years, and I was well aware of it. So when it manifested in reality, I wasn’t going to be an emotional obstacle to her and his long-standing dream. I actually got him a beer as she went to clean up herself from the play time.

When I asked to take a date out for lunch once, I was told in explicit terms that I was not able to see this date ever again, after our first encounter. And that just didn’t make sense to me, emotionally or sexually.

No matter how many other partners we explored, it didn’t really end peacefully, even though there was so much sexy, kinky, juicy peace between us. So it really wasn’t meant to be, in the grand scheme of things. And after one excruciating Halloween party where she took a friend of mine in the back alley behind our house and used him to cause me pain, I knew that I was not in a situation that was sustainable.

So from that party, we broke up and made peace. Of course it wasn’t the last time we had sex, oh god no. We were fucking for about five more months after we moved apart. But we both KNEW it wasn’t a long-term thing we were doing anymore.

Open relationship? Yes? Threesomes? Yes. Sex club visits? Yes. Eight-person oral-sex chain experienced together? Hell fucking yes! Long-term future? No. Long-term love? YES, BEYOND QUESTION.

I knew it was real and true for sure, when I went to her wedding reception last night, and hugged her… and her groom, who I actually introduced her to at a party we were at!

So, no, I didn’t marry her because I wasn’t meant to be her primary lover… but I did end up helping her find her primary lover, while I found my polyamorous dream lover family. Win-win situation, yo!

Life is very funny, beautiful, and magical, please believe me.

I wish her and him all the best love and bliss in the universe. And I wish the exact same for me and my poly lovers.

Addi Stewart

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