Control Issues in Polyamory Relationships

Have you ever been with someone who is a control freak? Even more importantly, have you ever been IN LOVE with someone who is a control freak?! If you are emotionally entangled with someone who has a tendency to want to or have to determine the boundaries of the relationship, do you stay or do you go? It depends on the depth of relationship you share with the person, I suppose, and what you decide you want from the future with them… but the question is: how do you deal with their controlling mannerisms and their fears about non-traditional relationships?

A beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman has come into my life recently, and we have magnificent chemistry on many levels. But, there came a point where the intimacy stopped happening and the connection did not continue getting deeper. Even though I kept my every single promise to this woman. I visited her house repeatedly, invited her to my place often, took her out to eat, texted her, called her, showed her that I was genuine in every single way I could possibly express my truth to her… and she still did not trust me… as much as I trusted her.

She confessed to controlling her own emotions, as well as the expansion of the relationship. As much as I could respect and appreciate her request to take things slow so she could let trust grow and be gained with me, there was a clear and present persistence of egotistical manipulation at a few opportunities to be intimate. She even took control of some sexual situations with only her satisfaction and her intentions being met as the outcome of the engagement. I was left a bit confused as to the direction of our connection, even as we had both felt each and every day the dimensions of our affection increase. Even though I had other relationships happening simultaneously, it was still perplexing, painful and problematic for me to feel that my emotions were not being heard or accepted. She still needed to create a space of trust and reception inside of her, which I was absolutely willing and able to contribute to the construction of that crevice of concern.

There was a functional imbalance in this relationship, and even though it was (and still definitely is) beautiful and satisfying, it was somewhat painful for me to continue participating in because my love was being controlled and denied by the very same source that was attracting it and requesting its presence! This was a peculiar problem to play with, but a solution has been found:


As bold as love, like Jimi Hendrix would say, I looked her in the eye one day, and let her know everything my heart was feeling for her, and everything my heart was feeling she was not allowing herself to feel together with me. I confessed everything I wanted to share with her, and how she was the only woman I had been with all year that made me break a promise I said I would never break (and it shall not be repeated here in print.) I told her I was ready to let it all go because I felt so much joy and love for her, but felt like I wasn’t able to give it to her the way it felt most comfortable to because of her control issues. I almost walked away. I gave her a kiss that we both thought was our last.

Then two days later, she texted me. And then we started to share the dance of control.

And now, I’m going to see her again tomorrow… and there is a lot of wonderful potential flowing between us at this point in time… lots of sexy freedom!

And I don’t want to control it, or want her to control it either. I just hope Love takes control of both of us, and escorts our flesh into fantasy…

In love,
Addi Stewart

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