Without boundaries, we live in chaos. Law and order is what separates the jungle from the city, civilization from barbarity, and the playground from the principal’s office, LOL.
We create new boundaries and levels of connection when we expand our possibilities beyond just our family and friends, co-workers and teachers… and monogamous relationships, which are the main and/or only option for intimacy that a lot of people choose in this very expansive and diverse world of ours. But that need not be you too!
We can all restructure our boundaries to allow new relationships to develop, combine, and even overlap with each other in a variety of ways and dimensions. There are names for some of them in poly—paramour, throuple, vee, triad, polycule—and there are relationships that have no names or descriptions, just combinations and affections.
But there are also rules to some polyamorous relationships that have overlaps and blurry boundaries. And these rules are what keep the relationships going strong. We sometimes say things like, “Hey, we can do that and that and all that, but we just can’t do this and this.”
What are some of those boundaries? I have a few that I live with, and it’s interesting to see them come to life when it’s time. Not that we live in a time that promotes a lot of overlap and interaction with many, but I do have the occasional situation that brings such a reality to the forefront.
When I shoot a porn scene, I have no problem with one or two of my lovers being totally supportive of such sexual encounters, and they are often waiting for me at my home when I’m done having sex for work.
Sometimes, there is a personal situation where I’m having a rare sexual encounter with someone I don’t see very often, and in that case, I am lucky enough to occasionally have those relationships overlap on the same day, and have them both know that I’m seeing both of them, without having to emotionally partition myself.
It’s wonderfully liberating to be able to say to one lover, “Hey, I’m going to have a nice time with someone this afternoon, but I’ll be back here with you this evening. I hope you understand my situation.” This requires a very high level of poly trust, communication and, clarity, and I don’t recommend this type of relationship overlap on a regular basis with someone who isn’t secure.
Healthy poly relationships don’t overlap for power or pressure, but because they share love and passion. This is totally cool for me to bring up because whenever my partners express and request to have their other relationships to overlap with mine, I never have a problem with it. They can see me and their other partners on the same day if that’s how plans work out. It’s not a problem!
But the ONE thing that most relationships have a problem with when it comes to same day scheduling is SEX. If you’ve just had sex with one partner, and you’re going to see another partner directly after, it’s only right and respectable to have a shower… unless they’re into that kind of kinky thing! If they want the smell of your past sexual encounter on you while you hug and kiss and connect, HAVE AT IT!
Being okay with someone else’s relationship is one thing, but dealing with a partner covered in their lover’s post-coital bliss is quite another!
No matter what you choose to share with your partner’s partners, just create boundaries that are comfortable and cozy for you. There’s no limit to the amount of friendly lover’s friends one can have!
Enjoy,
Addi Stewart
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