Let’s say that you’ve gotten to the point where you and your partner are ready to embrace polyamory. This means that one or both of you is about to go out on a date with another person. What’s the best way to handle it?
The first time your partner goes out with someone else, the feeling can be very bizarre. You might feel happy for them, but at the same time nervous about what might happen. Will they fall for this other person? Will the sex be better? Will you end up alone?
The important thing is to stay calm. It’s okay for your partner to call you and check in, but you should probably not call them unless it is absolutely (and I do mean absolutely) an emergency. Don’t let your insecurities take over. Let your partner have their date and have fun. Let whatever happens happen.
It might be good for you to occupy yourself with something, though. Go out with friends. Get into a complicated project. Don’t just sit and check your phone every three seconds. And don’t watch the hours on the clock tick away into the night.
The payoff is that when the date is over and your partner comes home, he or she call tell you all about the date, about the hot times; you can be drawn into the fantasy. Some people get very turned on by hearing about their partner’s sexual exploits. They love to hear every fine detail of what went down. Sometimes they might like to see photos, or videos, or smell and taste the other person on their lover’s body.
All this is perfectly normal, and is totally sexy. Church and state tell us that it is abhorrent, but the truth is that the forbidden nature of sharing love makes things all the more hot. Just be calm and your partner will always come home to you. Having self-confidence and not being jealous is the sexiest thing you can do to encourage someone.
Of course, if your partner doesn’t come home, if they just run away with someone else, take heart. That person was no good for you anyhow. If it didn’t happen that way it would have happened soon in some other depressing way.
I know it isn’t easy. You have to undo a lot of social conditioning to be able to be cool with hearing about your lover doing it with someone else. These feelings have been tied to our feelings of self-worth and self-confidence. It’s bullshit. Life is so short and we should all be free to find the love and the experiences we crave and not deny ourselves anything.
I promise you that when you’re on your death bed, it will be better to be thinking back on all the good times you did have, not all the times you passed up because you were too boring and conservative to take a chance at true fun.