Unprotected Sex with Polyamory Partners

So. We done deal with the fallout, aftermath, drama and emotional drainage that come from the poly blues smacking the shit outta your cute and precious little heart. You survived.

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But, lo and behold, there’s another major moment when a trust switch occurs (I don’t like using the word “breakup” in poly, since most of my lovers never end up really breaking up from me if they were actually poly! Things just shift around, but I digress) and that major moment is: WHO IS THE NEXT SUPER SPECIAL INTIMATE LOVER?

And when I say “super special,” I should clarify what that means to me right now, in the context of the choice of words I corralled: WHO IS MY NEXT FLUID-BONDED LOVER?

Sometimes when you’re with lovers, you’re just cruising the field, doing your thing, not heavily invested in anyone… and if that’s the case, generally, in MY world of poly, that means: using condoms and protection. I don’t judge those who don’t, but I also can’t condone those who don’t either, if they’re being deceitful and duplicitous to lovers.

Still, if you’re NOT quite on poly cruise control, and you have someone who you’ve chosen to have unprotected sex with in your poly scenario, then good luck to you and yours! And may the force be with you for as long as love can hold on and keep the dark side at bay.

Unprotected sex is a major decision requiring a level of trust-testing vulnerability and open communication, as well as some possible doctor’s office testing, and some promise keeping about boundaries and beliefs. It’s a vital and important moment in any relationship, but in a poly connection, where the person is possibly a primary-type partner? It’s WAY more crucial to share these feels.

How well do you control yourself with other partners? Do you ALWAYS use protection? Not 9 times out of 10. Don’t try to be cute. Answer if you ALWAYS do or not. If you don’t, then what do you do in that situation? Do you pay for Plan B? Split the cost? Do you go to the doctor’s or get a pregnancy test done? Do you even care, bro? It’s stuff like this that separates the poly pros from adult children.

Still, when a trust switch happens, and one is faced with the fact of dealing with a decline in intimate connection, the decision must be made. Do you talk about not having unprotected sex anymore with each other? Does it just fade away into the past, and the place of cherished memories?

Do you ask them if they have chosen a new partner to have unprotected sex with, and if the answer is no, do you feel safe in having unprotected sex with them, even though you two are not technically a couple anymore? If they are having unprotected sex with someone else, what does that do to your emotions and desires?

Would you have unprotected sex with them ever again? What does this mean to the status of your protected sex with them? All stuff worth finding out. Especially if you want to have relationships in polyamory where barrier-free sex is a THING!

Just saying,

Addi Stewart

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