Poly Relationships

Sharing Your Dark Side with a Poly Partner

Couple Breakup

Do you know when it’s safe to reveal your uglies and your creepies and your freakies and your pet-peeve dealbreakers?

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So, you know how so many romcoms are based on two monogamous people spending all the time and energy in the world to hide their neuroses?

I think that was damn near every episode of Seinfeld that involved George Costanza or Jerry Seinfeld and a member of the female sex. It’s funny and shit, but it’s also dysfunctional as hell and as you can tell, it NEVER worked out for George or Jerry. They always went home alone, frustrated, and never satisfied by their erotic choices and identity ideologies of integrity… or lack of.

The truth always comes out at some point, and if it doesn’t, then the relationship exists partially in the dark where lies and fraudulence frolic.

A genuine healthy relationship is one where your darkness and your light, and your boring, daily grey areas too, are all out there for your partner to see.

No fear, no games, no denials, no immaturity, no irresponsibility, no fuckory in general. Just straight up humanity. What a concept, eh? WHOA!

In general High School Monogamy 101, it’s like three dates before you start talking about sex, serious topics, and real personal stuff, right? BLECCH!

You even have to wait longer to start confessing your fantasies and shit, unless you hit the freaky jackpot and the person is jumping the weirdo queue on the second date, like “So where’s the wildest place you had sex?” without judgement and shame. LOVE THAT PERSON ASAP, YO!

Ha ha, but for real, monogamy isn’t that great in dealing with darkness. It doesn’t allow for much space to tell the truth, unless people are accustomed to having that safe space, or knowing how to build it with a smart partner who communicates their struggles, stress and spirit. We are not taught how to do such important and odd things in this emotionally dysfunctional society though!

So, when do poly people start letting the dark truths out of the closet? I feel like anytime after the second day, it’s ON. I personally start assuming that if I’m going to have ANY kind of meaningful relationship with someone who I care about, I don’t feel like waiting until the third day before I start sharing what’s in my heart-of-hearts and my jungle-wild mind!

I don’t expect it to automatically transform into an evolved poly-magic thingy, but at least I’m laying the foundation for fun of any kind to find a way into our feelings of fantasy. We can be good friends who don’t have boundaries like normal people do, or we can be more than good friends who have way less boundaries than a poly partnership needs, plus we got the space to get really fucking dark with our truth if we need to do so! And there’s no hiding or fear about going there.

This is why I can’t relate to the erotic failures of George Costanza. He just hid all his foibles and fuckups too much. Didn’t he get the girl once by just confessing everything that was wrong with him? Ha!

One of my all-time favorite sayings is: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

Love,
Addi Stewart

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