Best tips to spark off fledgling polyamorous connections in the world of today? Whew. There’s no perfect way to deal with the situation, to be frank. What works with one person may not fly with the next.
I’ve had some people respond to me with instant sarcasm in the first five minutes of meeting them: “Oh, now I know I can’t be playful with you.” I thought, I barely even know you! Wow, I guess you move fast in aspects like that!
But seriously, my best tips are what’s worked well for me over my last twenty years of being poly. I’ve happily enjoyed a great many relationships without anger or dysfunction. And whether my partners have met each other or not, the polyamory reality remains intact.
I never have to worry about cheating because I’m not monogamous, and I don’t practice unsafe sex for a variety of reasons (one of which is that I’m a professional porn star, and I’m not jeopardizing that for anything or anyone.) It takes a lot of open communication and trust to be fluid bonded to multiple people, and it’s not something most people have the sincerity to do fully and clearly. But before you have the safe sex discussion…
My Best Tips for New Poly Relationships
Ask Questions Slowly
If you intend on having any kind of serious relationship with this person that’s poly, then you will want to get to know them, correct? Yes. Therefore, you must learn more about them. Do not bombard them with questions on the first two dates or days together, or it will feel invasive and offensive. It’s not about learning how many partners they’ve ever been with or what their dating schedule is like with all their other partners.
If your two lives are meant to be together, they will naturally find a way to connect and merge, and there will be few problems along the way as you build trust while learning about one another. Because the questions and the answers naturally come to light, and whatever is needed to be known is asked and shared. Try it!
Process Your Emotions
There’s nothing worse than being in the middle of some poly puddle that could be awesome, but you’re confused and frustrated and overwhelmed, and you want to get out of there as fast as possible. That doesn’t have to happen, but if it does and you thought you wanted it to go down but you find out that YOU feel differently about what you thought you wanted from that possible fantasy—not them being problematic people in the situation—then you will realize the importance of processing emotions.
There has to be time that you spend by yourself to think about what you’re choosing and how you will express it. There’s a lot of things to decide and consider when you practice polyamory. There are poly lifestyles that are totally anarchy based wherein nobody answers to anyone, but that’s not my style. I like to share my feelings with my lovers—and myself!
Know Your Limits
You may find yourself involved with more people than you can schedule or have the emotional capacity to handle. It happens to the best of us, don’t worry. Just be honest with whoever you have to change your situation with. Be gracious and forthright, and don’t ghost your poly people.
Learn slowly, process situations, and understand your limitations and boundaries. If you can only handle being with two people at once, that’s okay! If you have the capacity to manage relationships with five people, go for it! It’s not a competition, please know that. Better to be with one person properly and presently, than try to be with four people and always be distracted and disconnected. Know your limit, and play within it… just like at the casinos, ha ha.
Mostly, follow your heart and your instinct with consent. It’s a journey, not a sprint!
Dance on,
Addi Stewart
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