Poly Relationships

Kaboom! Blasts from the Polyamorous Past

Woman in Lingerie Texting

“It’s been a long time! I shouldn’t have left you…” These are the lyrics to a classic hip hop record from the 80s by Rakim from New York City. But they hilariously and metaphorically could speak for a part of polyamory I’ve been experiencing lately: lovers from the past coming back.

There are people who float around your heart and your genitals with infrequent consistency, and kinda are always there, or never too far. The guy the girl calls up maybe a couple times a month if she’s not finding any other prospects she has any chemistry with, or the guy who has a girl that is an “acquaintance with benefits” situation, since they don’t really have much of a foundation for a friendship. Or some permutation of the sort.

But then there are the surprise resurrection of the emotions for certain special people who you thought were long gone from your love life. Sometimes, people confess their differences, transgressions, failings, apologies, opposing energies, or end of a necessary separation, and they return to your world. Like a meteor made of passion and caution!

It’s been wonderful to feel the reincarnation of our relationship, in its new form and with its new future. But it’s also a cause for curious concern and care: are the people capable of reconnecting in a healthy and happy way? Is there unpacked baggage from the last time you two were together? Is the reason you took space no longer an issue? And is the love still there?

These are all vital statistics to quantify, to put it inelegantly. But you gotta figure these things out. And honestly, being a proponent of healthy, mature, honest polyamory, I’m ALWAYS a fan of recreating the relationship in a new way, and not giving up on the potential of love and joy and bliss that was felt! Unless it was a really unhealthy relationship where fundamental beliefs and patterns could not ever be reconciled in this lifetime, and peace and calm cannot exist between the parties, then I am always a supporter and believer in a version of what Aaliyah said: “dust yourself off, and try again/ if you mess it up, then try again, try again…”

I received a text message confession from a lover who texted me a pretty clear conclusion to our connection a few months ago, and expressed a somewhat shocking revelation due to her believing that my emotions at the end of our days were somewhat counterfeit, and that I was not able to provide her with the emotional resources she required.

I thought we were over as friends and lovers and I silently mourned this righteous relationship, because we shared so many sexual parallels and artistic ideas, as well as enjoying a ridiculously intense type of intimate chemistry.

And I thought it was over, after she cut all ties a few months ago. Boy, I was wrong! I’m so glad I was wrong. She called again. We spent some time together after confessing our desires to let bygones be bygones and recharge our electrifying connection. Because the instant we saw each other, the acceptance and understanding took over, and eased our way towards the new chapter of us that we were making.

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And I know that some people delete phone numbers, burn physical pictures and cards and gifts and other precious objects, delete photographs and video and all multimedia data of certain lovers, boyfriends and girlfriends when they break up or have time apart…

I’m not that guy. I always lean towards letting love rule. Those who are in abusive and unhealthy relationships probably should not accept any psychological or physical pain-causing blasts from the past, no matter how passionate the nostalgia makes one feel. We need to take care of ourselves first, especially the selves from the past, where all our inner conflict chaotically conceals where our emotional baggage hides. And once that is all good, then we can embrace the past that has rejoined us in the present, to make a shiny new future you NEVER imagined you would feel again!

Another great thing about polyamory: encouragement to connect your healed and happy past to your present purpose and possibility!

Always making love,
Addi

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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