Hookups with Past Poly Lovers

Shit happens, yeah we all know that. You eat, you gotta shit. You hug, you gotta let go. You have sex, you gotta pull out or close your legs at some point in the unfortunate future.

You have a heart that you share with other life forms, so you will experience heartbreak! Cheating, death, distance, drama, disease, chaos—who knows what can mess with your perfect little dreams of living Happily Ever After for even one week, much less a year or more.

The selfish/self-destructive person in any relationship is always the location of the problem (to simplify something as big as billions of people, ha) and if that’s the case, then hey, who is the one doing the damage and destruction and who is doing the connection and cleaning up? Or if it’s both of them doing both of everything, who is the one doing the worst?

Relationships are rarely equal. They usually are 60-40 or 65-35 or close to that kind of exchange of energy, and both or all of the parties involved are okay with the imbalances because compared to their singular percentage, which is 100 percent to them, they have someone extra adding whatever degree extra they are adding. They give SOMETHING which is better than anyone single is receiving (ostensibly), and the imbalance is acceptable… until it ISN’T anymore.

And that’s when a breakup happens! Or maybe a breakdown, where a pause is put into play as futures are assessed. But ultimately, it’s a wrap when one person starts doing too much crappy crap, and not enough funky fun.

In polyamory, the end isn’t really always the END end. I have taken more months-long and even years-long pauses with lovers, only to reconnect with them in the future.

I have reconnected with more if not most of my poly lovers in my thirties, than compared to ALL of my monogamous lovers in my twenties and teens! How bout them apples? They are mighty tasty, I hope you believe me. But… what isn’t as yummy, is the flavor of swallowing pride and shame and embarrassment from the unhealthy and unenlightened decisions that a young polyamorous person can make when they aren’t sure of who or what they want to do with their poly pool. And that’s when a breakup happens.

Time goes by, and you feel like not being broken up anymore. You want to take your heart into your wishful little gambling hands, pick up the dice of sex karma, and pick up the phone too, and take a risk on your future to be presented a new present—aiming to return a past lover to your presence once again. I say, go for it! You only lose the love you don’t give away!

The location of where you reconnect IN REAL LIFE is something serious though! All the texting, phone calls, and even Skype screenings are one thing and are cool, but the PHYSICAL FLESH face-to-face merger matters so much it’s almost inexpressible.

People are often afraid to admit or submit to one or the other’s suggestions… and the POWER DYNAMIC THAT EXISTED BEFORE as well as the reasons for reconciliation, are usually major factors in deciding who says what about where everyone should meet up again, and make nice.

Which one of these locations have you used for your past love reconnections?

  • Coffee Shop (socially neutral, often has lots of space to speak, has common buffer distractions like getting coffee and snacks to help stimulate conversation, and offer a reason to share)
  • Your Place (uneven territory, often has the weight of the past soaked into all the furniture and rooms, but can be very safe for at least one person, hopefully both, and can help intimacy return)
  • Their Place (equally uneven territory, also has the weight of the past soaked into the surfaces everywhere, but is safe for one person at least, maybe both, and yay if sex comes about once again)
  • Mutual Third Party’s House (smart choice, can offer an outsider’s perspective if needed, which can help if conflict arises again, but also just provides neutral ground, hopefully, and is accessible)
  • Old Memory Spot (dangerous, but also possibly helpful in deciding the new direction of things, can help with communication/killing conflict, may cause more problems, but can still help the healing)
  • In Bed (most dangerous, yet possibly most beneficial! Highly recommended to communicate NOT DURING SEX, as emotions will be influenced—don’t lie to yourself, kid—celebrate with sex instead!)

There’s a few other places where people can choose to start writing a new chapter of their relationship… what’s one of yours? Let us know!

Addi Stewart

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