No relationship is exactly balanced 50-50. If it was, I think that people would either float into the ether at the end of the horizon and disappear in a cloud of butterflies and golden rainbows, or they would become a yin-yang symbol and explode. I think the joy and mystery and bliss of relationships is that we aren’t perfectly balanced. Someone is better in the mornings. Someone is better at remembering to put the toilet seat down. Someone is better at cooking rice. Someone is better at reaching out to make dinner plans.
Each relationship is a wonderful mix of different pleasures and processes and behaviors and problem-solvers for each person in it, and the things they can’t find in themselves, they get from others. That’s the benefit of being unselfish and connected in polyamory. A constant stream of surprises and blessings being given to the heart. But what if you max out your potential generosity with a particular person at around 30%? What if you just don’t have much to give to someone, and they have a whole lot more to give to you? It happens. But what do you do about it? Aye, there’s the rub…
Sometimes, the chemistry is just kinda different. One person wants to spend days together, the other person only has hours to share. One person feels like having sex as soon as they wake up, the other person is still healing from heartbreak, and just isn’t feeling too sexy. One person is feeling social and extroverted, the other person is feeling introverted and meditative. This is something that doesn’t have to be a problem though. It just has to become a truth that is understood. Two people should be allowed to exist in different places in a relationship, it should not be the cause of a problem. The REAL problem comes when either one of them is unable to admit where they are, or what they intend to do while they are there. Do you intend on staying in the relationship, even though you are not investing ALL your focus into it? If that is suitable and satisfactory for both of you, then you are in a nice new little thing, called domestic bliss.
I don’t believe things have to be all exciting, sexy, sweaty, explosive and always feeling like magical sparkling faeries are dancing in each other’s eyes. Love and sex and relationships are sometimes just calm, peaceful, stable, kind, gentle, quiet connections. It may not be at a place of stupendous growth and expansion and energy. But, if it’s REAL, and HONEST, then that’s all it needs to keep going. A lie isn’t a life of love. A time of lightness is possible in a life of love, though.
So yeah, you and your lover (especially in the context of other lovers), may not have a perfectly balanced relationship, but if you two are happy there… STAY!
As long as its truthful, it’s okay if it’s not perfectly balanced. Imperfections turn certain regular things into near masterpieces.
In love,
Addi Stewart
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