Don’t Speak for Your Partners
I recently made the mistake of assuming all of my poly relationships were closer to the place of peace and equanimity that I was approaching. This assumption didn’t dawn on me for a while. A partner had shown some support of me in a particular way, and before I knew it, after speaking out of turn, she changed.
As we are all free and encouraged to do if we are so inclined, change is an eternal option at our disposal in polyamory. And she changed some of her support. Now, she didn’t change her relationship with me, not really at all. She just changed how she would support me in certain social circles. And I didn’t know why. Then she told me.
She let me know that I wasn’t as aware of the emotional state of envy that existed with her. And from there, it was clear that I could never really know that.
There are some partners who are notably more vocal than others about their approval and acceptance of my polyamorous relationships. But then, others are ostensibly not as open and informative, and there is an unfortunate lapse in time and space that causes a reservoir of remorse between us.
I am here, contributing to the reason she is not continuing to support an aspect of my life, and she is there, absorbing my ignorance and naiveté.
In my relationships, I honor the feeling that exists in the moment at all times, and can practice a complex number of relationships because of such a skill. That said, the only emotions I can react and respond to, are the ones that are communicated to me by my lovers. I cannot know others.
In polyamory, time is of the essence. When people are not spending a lot of time together, but are spending a DEEP amount of emotion when they DO get together, then it’s important beyond words for them to exist at the edge of their relationship promise as much as their words can ever articulate.
Lingering thoughts, destructive doubts, nagging irritants, and trust-crushing curiosity are the things that weigh down a poly relationship, and they must stop.
The sobering wake-up call, that just because I was not in any arguments or drama with my lovers meant that they were all happy and comfortable, was eye-opening. I took responsiblity for it immediately, and stopped thinking that each one of my lovers was as comfortable with me as I was with them, regardless of feeling.
There is a chasm of confusing clarity between our emotional reality inside our hearts, and our physical reality outside our hearts. Few of us are at one with it all.
So I couldn’t blame her for letting me know when she did, exactly how she felt. And I learned well from it. I now know so very clearly: do not speak for your partners, even if you have no problem to speak about your partners.
There is a difference…