A relationship works wonderfully as a metaphor in the form of a ship, or a vehicle on a journey to a particular destination. Usually it’s a place thought of as happy or idyllic.
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I think that’s a fair assessment and expectation for most, if not all people, to carry: that a relationship will take them to a good place, or a desired destination of happiness.
Do people get into relationships with the intention of becoming more sad, angry, or disappointed? Is that even possible? I suppose it is, hypothetically, but I’ve never had it.
Might have to gain a higher level of competitive balance and seek out a psychological poly hate partner, the way things are starting to go… but I digress greatly, je m’excuse!
Anyways, the point is: are you SURE you are going in the same direction of love and life as your poly partner is? When is the last time you checked your compasses?
Alignment is a tricky thing. You feel like you’re travelling together in the same direction, but one degree of difference, and within an hour of going at 100 MPH, you’re in different damn towns. I actually wanted to use a non-vehicular metaphor this time, because writing is a different beast with different implications that touch me closer right now. (I have no car at the moment, LOL.)
Is your partner writing the same Love Story as you? Are they brainstorming ideas with you, for the same book. When writing time comes, is it them trading words with you and sharing the same idea for the fate of the characters in the Love Story they are writing with you? These are important questions to know.
One day, you could just be hanging out, talking about music and sex and fun and whatever else happened yesterday…
And then an innocent question falls out of your lips, like: “We’d look so wonderful together doing that!”
And then… you discover a whole can of worms on steroids that has been festering and growing unbeknown to you, and you can’t change it. Only chew on it.
And swallow them crunchy, slimy, grimy, grotesque protein chunks of creature. The worms are like words that slide out of the can of things you thought you could always have with your partner… but it’s the can of what you can’t do anymore, and the worms are the words of warning and trouble that you’re not as aware of their feelings as you thought.
Discovery has its downsides. And sometimes, you just gotta get the ugly truth read to you from a lover. You may think it’s all good. You had no idea they could feel this way. You thought things were just fine! But, fuck no.
You’re NOT on the same page. You’re not writing for the same book franchise. You’re not even thinking about the same characters. Hell, you don’t even have the same genre!
One’s writing an estranged lover piece of modern heartbreak and loss, and the other is writing a hopeless romantic fairy tale update of the honeymoon phase of Romeo and Juliet. There’s usually a discernible reason why they changed their mind, their direction… and lost their hope, or their desire to continue on the same creative trajectory.
If you can’t find the reason or don’t know how it happened… write it off.
Wasting your mind trying to understand why a lover changed their mind is one of the most frustrating, futile, fear-formulating ideas a person can do, I truly and sadly feel.
The moment you realize your partner is on a different page of the Storybook of Love you thought you were writing together… take a walk. Either physically or mentally. Breathe.
When you know the words are all different now, take a break. When you say “future,” it means something different to them. So, go clear your spirit. Take care of you right now.
The story of love comes and goes in the blink of an eye. The course of true love never did run smooth.
But now, you are the author of your own tomorrow, whether you’re still poly or you’re searching for something else.
You just know that you’re not going to wind up with your co-author writing the words “Happily Ever After” on the final page, and share the same sense of resolution together.
You will have started the book together, but at some point, you diverged off into writing your own book that your partner makes guest appearances in, and leaves you to be.
I’m still in shock from realizing that I wasn’t writing the same Storybook of Love with a lover of mine today.
I could have written tighter metaphors for some of my points in this article, but fuck it all. I’m pretty heartbroken to realize we’re not on the same page anymore…
xoxo,
Addi Stewart
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