You’re out and about, minding your own business, when you see your metamour having what appears to be a date, with someone you don’t recognize!
You’re in a closed poly relationship, so you know your partner would be shocked and hurt to find out. Hell, you’re shocked and hurt, too! What do you Do? Confront them in the act? Turn away and pretend you didn’t see anything? Although tempting, neither of these approaches lead to a true understanding of the situation.
Don’t Jump to Conclusions
In the event of receiving partial information, our brains like to fill in the blanks to create the most painful and drastic scenario possible. It’s how we prepare ourselves for the possibility of bad news. That’s why, if you see something you don’t want to see, it’s really important to take a few deep breaths, and to try to keep your suspicions from taking hold.
You might think you know the whole story just from what you’ve observed in that moment, but you probably don’t. Jumping to the wrong conclusion could damage your relationships, so try to keep an open mind.
Question Your Metamour First
It can be tempting to run to other people in your polycule and tell them everything you think you saw. Don’t do it. Give your metamour the chance to explain themselves, and if they confess to being unfaithful, give them a time frame in which they can fess up, or be outed.
If you really need to talk to someone in order to figure out your feelings, or the approach you should take, try speaking with a friend, or your therapist—someone who isn’t directly involved in your relationship. If your suspicions are false, you don’t want to risk creating unnecessary drama within your polycule.
Choose the Right Time and Place to Bring It Up
Pick a time that’s free of distractions where you and your metamour can talk privately. Resist the urge to confront them on the spot, or to call them at work the next day.
I know it can be hard to hold back, especially if you’re really upset, but choosing the right time to have the conversation will make it go a lot more smoothly. You’ll be better prepared, and (with any luck) your metamour will be more relaxed and less likely to get defensive.
If Need Be, Express Your Anger
Most of this post has been about holding back, but if the discussion with your metamour yields something worth being angry about, by all means, get angry! Scream, cry, whatever you need to do because keeping feelings of that magnitude inside is damaging to your mental health.
Your potentially emotional response is yet another reason you should choose the time and location of your conversation. Nobody likes to hear people screaming at each other in a restaurant, or in the produce section of the supermarket.
Essentially what I’m suggesting is that you let anger be your last resort. It just makes sense when you think of what a hasty response could mean for the solid foundation of your polycule.