If you’re single and looking to join a primary poly couple, there are many things to consider, questions to ask, and topics to discuss with potential partners. It’s easier for a poly couple looking for a third, as there is a secure relationship to fall back on if things don’t work out, and there are two people engaging in the process.
Being an outsider looking to enter an established relationship can be daunting, especially if polyamory is new to you. Here are tips to help you become a happy third, not a third wheel.
Sexuality
Be upfront about your sexual preference and ask those involved. If you are bisexual there me be an expectation you’ll be involved with the both primaries. This isn’t fair. If you’re only interested in one member of the couple, you must be upfront and ask what their individual interests are as well.
Individual Relationships
If you do want to be intimate with both primaries, realize these separate pairings will still develop differently and become their own unique relationship. Couples that say they want you to have the same connection to both of them are being unrealistic. Let each coupling grow organically.
One But Two
If you decide you only want to be intimate with one half of a couple, you must still acknowledge that there’s a relationship between you and the other half of the primary. That person will affect how your twosome develops, so work on building a healthy friendship.
Strong Primary
You want to find a couple with a strong solid bond. This increases your chances of success with one or both of them. Adding yourself to a relationship that is rife with problems is never a solution, and it would be you that is likely to get hurt. Know what you’re getting into.
Clear Expectations
Express what you need and expect from both primaries and ask them theirs. This should be discussed in the beginning. They may have poly rules or a contract they follow. Don’t be shy to ask questions – why they employ certain rules – or to challenge rules you don’t agree with. As you move through the relationship(s), don’t be surprised if these change.
Equality
A primary couple’s relationship is different but not more important than the one you share with them. Never see your views or opinions as less than. You may not spend as much time together as primaries do, but this often means you are less likely to be taken for granted.
Polys: What is your experience with dating primary couples?
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