How to Deal with Jealousy in a Threesome

Threesome jealousy is a common issue, even among folks with experience in non-monogamous relationships.

You may have been surprised to find yourself coming down with a case of threesome jealousy, even though you were the one begging for a threeway. Maybe your partner experienced unexpected jealousy after they assured you they were really into the threesome.

What Is Threesome Jealousy?

Threesome jealousy is jealousy that arises because of, during, or after a threesome.

Jealousy is a complex and complicated emotion—or more accurately, set or series of emotions—that can include fear, insecurity, panic, uncertainty, anger, hurt, helplessness, and resentment.

Jealousy arises from the sense of being threatened when someone else has more than you do, when someone else takes what is yours, or when someone else chooses something or someone over you. The threat can be real or perceived.

Read: The Causes of Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy, including threesome jealousy, is a natural and normal emotion. It’s also a dangerous and irrational emotion. It’s all a matter of degrees.

Jealousy needs to be controlled and is the responsibility of the person experiencing it, because changes to the situation typically do not change the response.

Jealousy can point to where we want to make changes and do better, whether in terms of managing our emotions or improving our looks or accomplishments. It can alert us to a threat. It can remind us not to take anything for granted. Jealousy is an amazing teacher.

But it can consume a person and cause a person to act in pathological, irrational ways, and destroy the very things they want to keep stable and build.

Read: How to Ask for a Threesome the Right Way

Jealousy During a Threesome

No matter how virile you are, how beautiful, how young, or how rich, no matter how many lovers you have or have had, no matter who those lovers are, no matter how confident you are or desirable you are—sex is vulnerable.

During sex, you are seen naked, you are seen whole, you are seen with your flaws, with nowhere to hide. This is physically true and true in a more ethereal, soulful way. You are connecting at the most intimate level with other people.

It’s normal and natural in a threesome to feel suddenly that a new person might have more to offer your spouse. Or that you miss being that young and slender. Or that maybe your wife secretly wants someone with a dick that big every night.

Let it go. Don’t let it spoil the fun.

Jealousy After a Threesome

Sometimes jealousy kicks in later. It starts eating you after the threesome, maybe the day after, maybe a month later. Any time.

You will suddenly find yourself blaming the threesome for something that goes wrong, or the unicorn. Don’t fall for post-threesome jealousy! Look it in the eye. Share it with your partner. The best way to outwit jealousy is to not hide it.

Read: How to Handle Conflict with a Partner

How to Avoid Threesome Jealousy

Talk it out beforehand.

Communicate every step of the way with your partner, and also with your third partner when you meet them.

Read: Threesome Rules for Couples

Focus on the experience together to build deeper bonds.

Couples experience more jealousy from a threesome when they aren’t using the process and experience as a way to share and bond.

If your threesome is just about your own gratification, or a way to stick it to your wife to punish her vanilla tastes, or to prove you are attractive to other men and want your partner to notice it, jealousy has a big fat invitation to your house.

A strong, connected relationship that is seeking new shared bonds, trust building, and mutual pleasure won’t feel that kind of fallout. And you’ll be in better shape to deal with jealousy in a threesome.

Read: Tips for Maintaining Communication in Poly Relationships

Prepare yourself to be the sex object if you’re the third or unicorn.

We talk about threesome jealousy in terms of couples getting closer or fighting afterwards, feeling threatened or inadequate. We don’t often talk about jealousy from the free bird in the triad.

Some unicorns are hoping for the kind of intimacy and affection that couples have, even if they are okay with or looking for casual encounters. It can sting to be the one who goes home alone while the happy couple goes all “shmoopie” on each other and then have more sex without you!

If you are the third party, joining a happy couple for a casual encounter, remember that you may be lavished and paid attention to because you are the “variety” that is the spice of their life. You may feel like the queen for a day, and feel neglected and forgotten. Take ownership of your sexuality and the fact you chose pleasure and connection.

Read: Tips for the Unicorn in a Threesome

Prepare for unexpected attraction, and know not to trust those impulses.

For any one in the threesome, even though they are happy single or in love with their partner, or not ready for another kind of relationship, whatever the case may be, don’t be naïve and think you won’t fall in love.

And don’t be naïve to think it means something or that feelings you are unprepared for should derail your intentions. Choose in advance how to handle these feelings if they arise.

Read: 4 Jealousy Triggers & How to Deal

If you experience the powerful sense that you are falling in love, or wildly attracted beyond the moment to one person in the threesome, you can tell yourself all kinds of lies and become all kinds of crazy.

You can find yourself unexpectedly jealous of your object of affection’s wife or husband. The best way to prevent this threesome jealousy is to prepare for it in advance.

Prioritize your partner’s pleasure and happiness.

Pangs of jealousy in a threesome are normal, but if your main concern is your partner’s pleasure and joy, this feeling will override everything else. This is what they call compersion. You may have to practice it.

If jealousy comes back up, remind yourself that you value her pleasure, that you don’t want to hurt her, and so on.

Read: Jealousy vs Compersion

Wait it out.

You can accept jealousy from a threesome for what it is—a temporary emotion. Honor it without entertaining it. Allow it it’s time without getting ruffled. Don’t act on it. Threesome jealousy often goes away in seconds or minutes if you’re prepared for it.

Jealousy can come suddenly during the threesome, and be forgotten in the throes of pleasure. It can come afterwards, and you can say, “I see you, jealousy. I know you’re there, but I won’t let you dictate my actions.” After a while, the jealousy will get bored and leave to haunt someone else!

Read: How to Find a Threesome

How do you deal with threesome jealousy?