My partner I took a big step this past weekend. He and his wife and kids chose to rent a cottage near to where my family lives so I could introduce them to everyone and we could enjoy thanksgiving together. We talked a lot beforehand about how we would structure the sleeping arrangements and eventually settled on my partner and I sharing a room in the cottage and my metamour sleeping down the hall. I think we were all a little unsure of how we might feel in the morning, but I’m happy to say it went very well! The following are tips for those of you who are thinking of trying something similar.
Be Honest about Your Boundaries
When my partner first approached me with the idea of us all sleeping together under one roof, I was hesitant. We had never tried it before and I could foresee a few awkward moments. Adding to my anxiety was the fact that my partner’s children would be at the cottage as well and I did not wish to make them feel uncomfortable. I was open about my reservations and we talked about things a lot before I agreed. It was somewhat tempting to just push my concerns aside to please my partner, but I’m glad I didn’t. It’s really important for everyone to be on board for something like this so as not to create feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Make a Plan that is Flexible
My metamour kindly offered to sleep on her own down the hall because she and my partner are married and spend almost every night together. She wanted to give me a chance to share some quality time with him, which was extremely thoughtful of her. Even so, there was an understanding that the arrangement could change if any of us felt weird about it. Just having that option to revise things as needed kept a lot of potential doubt in check. If we had been locked in to our plan, I might have wondered if my partner and metamour really felt okay about being apart. Knowing that they were free to speak up about it made me relax and enjoy myself more.
Be Sure to Check In
Even with our policy of open communication, I felt it was important to approach my partner and metamour over breakfast the next morning, just to see how they were feeling about things. We were planning to stay at the cottage for three nights and it was important to me that no one felt lonely or neglected. It would have likely gotten annoying if we were checking in with each other all the time, but once is a good idea. Even with the intention of having an open line of communication, it can sometimes be hard to speak up if you think everyone else is fine.
Be Mindful of your Metamour’s Experience
Since this was the first time we’d all spent a significant amount of time together, my partner and I were careful to be somewhat reserved about our public displays of affection. I think eventually we would get used to expressing ourselves freely, but I was aware that it might be rude to go all out in the company of my metamour. It’s about respect and knowing where everyone’s comfort zone lies. Some poly couples might be perfectly fine to place little or no restrictions on their behaviour, but there needs to be a discussion so that everyone feels comfortable.
Have you had a similar experience? Do you have any tips to share?
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