How to Manage Sex Party Expectations

It happens to everyone at some point in time. Whether it’s major disappointment or minor annoyance, it happens to all of us—the reality of a situation or event does not meet our expectations.

Disappointment happens all the time in relationships and sex. Not that we want to reduce people and pleasure to outcomes because the journey of discovery on its own is a sacred and blessed gift, but there is a correlation between what energy we invest and the emotional return we get from that investment!

Read: How to Manage Expectations in Poly Relationships

When you invest in something or someone and what you receive is drastically different from what you gave in the first place, it can be disappointing at best and heartbreaking at worst. But life goes on, and you will too!

Polyamory usually involves more dating, more partners, more engagement. So naturally, the more you are involved with other people, the more chances you have to not only connect to folks, but also have things NOT work out.

Some sex parties are unfulfilling. Some orgies are disappointing. Some fetish events don’t transpire the way you imagined. Not to take away from the event itself, as someone else is probably having the time of their life, and compersion allows us to be happy for others while recognizing our feelings simultaneously.

Read: 4 Ways to Practice Compersion

In my experience, I’d say one out of every seven or eight times I go to my local sex club, I do not have anything close to the kind of happy experience I’d hoped for, and I’m okay with it. Same with any visit to a nightclub, fetish event, or date in general. Sometimes, things just don’t pan out.

I want to offer strategies to those who go to certain social functions and sexually liberated events, and therefore have to deal with hard truths in polyamory.

Read: How to Find Local Sex Parties

5 Tips to Deal with Sex Party Disappointments

1. Focus on You

Celebrate yourself for at least getting out of the house and not being at home watching TV or doomscrolling. Being social in any capacity is a reason to pat yourself on the back and be proud of your extrovert attempt to socialize.

Even if things don’t hit tonight, at least you can be happy with yourself. Do you look awesome? Cheers to that, and you should salute yourself for looking good. Take a picture or ten selfies in a well-lit corner of the room and have some fun with yourself if you’re not meeting the people you want to meet at the sex party.

Read: Boost Your Dating Confidence

2. Talk to One Guest

Sometimes, you might only connect with one person in the room the entire evening. Maybe it’s someone of a gender you are not attracted to or a sexuality identity you don’t fully understand, so you have an even different orientation to them when it comes to conversation and the direction things take.

You may want to make a friend who turns into something more, but if it really isn’t in the cards, then at least you have one person to talk to that night!

Read: 23 Types of Sexuality: Glossary of Terms

3. Take a Break

Take some you-time and go for a breather. I took a walk at the last sex party I went to when it was revealed that everything I thought was going to connect a community and bring fun times was monetized. There was no intention of having a shared communal experience of joy and camaraderie—it was simply a playfully advertised cash grab.

I respect sex workers’ work, but I want to know what’s what before I show up and discover that what was advertised as one thing is actually another in practice and that people’s expectations will not be met. I was happy to take a walk and when I came back, I felt better.

Read: How to Find BDSM Events and Have a Good Time

4. Look for the Biggest Smile

Attraction and vibration are real, and sometimes you just have to look for the person who is matching your energy. I did the best I could to bring my aura up, and in that attempt I found myself smiling with an ex-partner who was actually working the event.

She had come to me near the end of the night and confessed that she was also not having the best time, and that her expectations were not being met by any standards. We commiserated and eventually… left together! Thank goodness for her.

Read: Why You Should Have Sex with an Ex

5. Leave before You Planned To

Like I said, some nights, whether you’re out at a mainstream bar, a concert, or a sex party, you sometimes have to cut your losses and call it a night earlier than you expected. Live to fight another day, as it were.

Even party organizers feel the same stress and think about improving their next event while coasting through a subpar party. So, leave early if you aren’t feeling it anymore and the night can’t be salvaged. Believe it or not, not every orgy is going to be mind blowing! Just thank them for hosting, and I’ll see you next time…

Read: 8 Group Sex Rules for Orgy Etiquette

It’s not your fault,
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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