Tips & Advice

Dealing with Disappointments in Polyamory

Woman Texting

I didn’t make up the rules, and I have some bad news for you. No matter how good things go, there can’t be goodness forever and ever and ever. There will be problems. If there weren’t, I think we’d be in a place that very closely resembles paradise.

Anyone who is in that place should scream it from the rooftops, as well as share all the secrets and juicy details with every human being! I’m not quite sure anyone’s there yet, and if so, they aren’t telling us. So that’s a disappointment.

There’s always some form of displeasure, disappointment, disagreement, disgust maybe, or even disrespect. It happens to the best relationships and the best people, at the best and worst of times.

There probably wouldn’t be anything to evolve into if relationships didn’t have problems to solve, and future chapters to write. If this is the best that things will EVER be, right now and today, then will life have to remain exactly how it feels now for the perfection of paradise to be maintained?

The emotional electricity of everything would have to be equal to this peak moment for the rest of your days on earth… and as much as that sounds good, that really seems like it would be STRESSFUL to sustain forever. That means we can always get better. Things can always improve as far as intimacy offering, communication, clarity of purpose, sexual chemistry, compersion capability, paramour protection, and much more.

Relationships are blessings that can always deepen and widen in value and magic! So the opposite truth is that relationships can always potentially disappoint us, ESPECIALLY polyamorous ones because there are so many more variables we can and possibly have to negotiate.

It can get messy at times trying to align schedules, values, hopes, dreams, trajectories of time, sexual fetishes, libidos, and all kind of variables beyond these enormous energies. We must be ready to hear the word “no” sometimes, be ready to see other partners being affectionate or intimate with other people (whether they intended to share it with us or not), and also be disappointed when the stars don’t align with our dreams as much as we wish they could with the rare opportunities we have to connect.

If we think we can control everything, and if we simply give up when things get difficult for us to negotiate and compromise, then polyamory will not be a process of intimacy you practice for very long with many people.

I’ve been disappointed so many times in so many ways by so many people. But it’s my love for the imperfections, my desire to have something instead of nothing, my ability to appreciate the things we share in common instead of focusing on the things we don’t have in common, and my acceptance that they aren’t the end of the potential at all, just mere potholes to navigate and avoid as well as create boundaries around while we evolve that keeps me going.

Sometimes, disappointment leads to discovery. Really. Try it!

It’s guaranteed anyways,
Addi Stewart

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