Answers to Questions Every Monogamous Couple Wants to Know about Polyamory
As a polyamorous person, I’m used to fielding questions from monogamous couples about every aspect of my relationships. There seems to be a genuine curiosity, but I’ve noticed that it’s often mixed with embarrassment or a concern that their questions are too personal and somehow offensive.
That’s why I’ve decided to write this post. It’s time to put it all out there and answer some of those questions you’ve always wanted to know about polyamory but were afraid to ask.
1. Do you ever have group sex? Isn’t it just expected?
Some poly couples certainly do engage in threesomes or even orgies, but it’s not the defining feature of poly life. There’s a whole spectrum within the realm of poly relationship dynamics, just as there is in monogamous circles. Being poly doesn’t necessarily make one kinky. Sorry to disappoint!
2. Who has the final say at the end of the day? Do certain people have veto power?
Lots of people tend to assume that if you’re in a poly relationship with a married partner, his or her spouse automatically has more pull. Sometimes this is the case, like when you’re in a hierarchical relationship and you’re a secondary partner.
In egalitarian relationships, everyone has the same amount of say for any given issue, although it can get complicated when your married partner and metamour have so many ties and history together. It just takes patience and an open line of communication.
3. What happens if your partner changes their mind and wants to be monogamous?
If this were to happen to me I would feel sad, just like I would when faced with any major relationship change. I wouldn’t take it as a sign that polyamory is doomed from the start. I would think of it more as incompatibility or a change in needs.
I would have to really sit down with my feelings and figure out what I want to do. Ultimately, you can’t hold someone in a polycule against their will, so I’d have to accept their choice.
4. What happens if you get jealous?
If? More like when. Jealousy does enter the scene for me, more or less frequently depending on where I’m at in my own life. If I’m busy and feeling good about the stuff I have going on, jealousy doesn’t really have a chance to take hold.
When I’m bored or feeling uninspired, that’s when things can feel bad. The best solution I’ve found is to talk it out. The various perspectives offered by partners and metamours can have a really soothing effect.
5. How many partners can you have? Who decides what the limit is?
Again, this is one of those things that varies a lot between different polycules. Some people have no limits while others prefer more of a polyfidelity scenario, where there’s an agreed upon cap to how many partners can be involved.
This is a decision that everyone would be involved in, though in hierarchical relationships, secondary partners might not be as involved in the discussion. The answer really depends on everyone’s comfort levels and needs.
I hope I managed to answer a few of your burning questions. Have more you want to ask? Leave a comment, and I’ll do my best to answer.