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Polyamory: Nature or Nuture… or Nurnature!

Cuddling Puppies

Are We Born Sexually Awesome, or Did We Have to Learn It?

“I honestly don’t know if one becomes poly over time or if one is born that way.” – a recent comment from one of our poly readers

Are we monogamous little nesters who are born, and just want to learn how to have a little sexy fun before we settle down in our nest with another mate, to procreate more little nesters?

Or are we polyamorous/polygamist/polyandrist little hunters who are born, and just want to learn how to have constant, never-ending amounts of sexy fun before we create a little nest for us to practice procreating until we can find someone else who is able to maintain some semblance of the same sexy fun we both love, after we give birth to some more little hunters?

Or are we supposed to be able to wear both helmets whenever the hell we want?

I just finished reading What Do Women Want? by Daniel Bergner, and it essentially says women are, naturally, primarily, and generally NOT ‘more auditory and less visually stimulated’, NOT ‘needing emotional intimacy prior to seeking sexual intimacy’, and NOT ‘the weaker, gentler, fairer sex always seeking to be in a position of NOT taking control of initiating the intimacy and sexual exchanges between men/lovers’ as we are constantly told by everything in scientific, religious, and social mythology. The amount of willfull ignorance and patriarchal perception causing partial comprehension of the totality of the truth, while permeating and poisoning public opinion about women is enormous. Of course there shall be a hopefully even more enormous amount of undocumented sexuality and intimacy with women who want to logically avoid ALL the shame, persecution, oppression, ignorance, abuse, disrespect and general negativity attributed to opinions about women’s choices of sexual activities. If the world decided to recognize that it’s ALSO in a woman’s nature (albeit, currently pushed down deep under her conscience) to enjoy looking at what she’s attracted to, approaching what she’s attracted to, and intimately engage what she is attracted to, this world might see something resembling an equality-blessed paradise, full of unprecedented sexual fantasies and realities manifesting their pleasant destiny.

One of the most shocking revelations in a book overflowing with surprises about the more secret aspects of female sexuality, was the prevalence of what are essentially a very poorly-titled concept for women’s rawest intimacy thoughts: “rape fantasies”, more accurately described as “the freedom for submission” and/or “willing acquiescence of sexual force”, quietly confessed to by a number of courageously honest women. And what was the prescient insight delivered by one of the women who confessed to having taboo fantasies of a man losing control of the his restraint of his passions and devouring her in a frenzy of lust in an alley is that: “~I didn’t have to explain myself to Jesus~”. Which is the most psychotically brilliant way to crystallize the timeless truth of a woman’s desire to NOT be negatively judged for simply living with her own innate sexuality intact in her existence, whether by the eternal damnation proclamations of the Church, or the eternally damning social pariah status given to women who are sufficiently branded “home-wrecking whorebags and man-stealing skanks”, just for having an image or a reality of experiencing more sex than others! But ultimately, women are judged for just being women, whether they are “prudes/virgins” who are “b!tches” for rejecting someone’s sexual advances, or they are “sluts/whores” who are “dirty” for NOT rejecting someone’s sexual advances! ALL the while NEVER acknowledging her agency and freedom in doing whatever the fuck she wants, above and beyond all judgement, speculation, or private public opinion, like most men get to experience every day of their lives!

I say all this to say the same thing we maybe always will be asking: is it our nature to be monogamous or is it our nature to be non-monogamous? Or is our nature to waver between these polarities fluidly and freely, and at different times, in different places, with different people, for both men and women and beyond? I can’t answer for anyone but myself. And for myself, I can say with PERFECT CERTAINTY that I am totally committed to DOING BOTH, whenever I feel like it!

Either path requires RESPONSIBILITY, so it doesn’t even matter that much. If a person doesn’t clearly communicate their needs and desires, it doesn’t matter if nature or nurture is driving those desires. They will frustrate and damage their relationships with their chaotic connections of irresponsible inner clarity. If you want to be with one person, but are in a relationship with multiple partners, or if you are in a relationship with one person but want to be making love to multiple people: BOTH OF THEM REQUIRE TOTAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY to the nature you have nurtured on your journey of life!

The hidden underside of these “chicken or egg” debates in science and society is: if you knew the answer to the question, how much would it matter? If you KNEW that polyamory was ~in-bred~ in exactly 69.34% of the population and monogamy was the nature of the rest of the world, and there was NO SUCH THING as external influence or overt nurture… then what?

It doesn’t really matter. What people choose to do is all that ends up mattering…

Speaking to the people who would like some kind of confirmation: are polyamorists born wanting more than one lover, or is it something they are constantly bombarded and socialized to want by modern society/pornography on the internet/Hollywood/social circle and peer group/post-secondary school sexual culture/twenty-something hook-up culture/youth culture to want, (but supposedly don’t REALLY want multiple lovers, deep down inside)? I would think it’s most logical to believe that there is no ONE WAY that all people follow… Some people really probably want to fuck many people as soon as they are taught the idea of sex, and some people probably actually and genuinely have never thought of it until years later, when something makes it a possibility in their fantasy fertile mind and body…

“Are you happy doing whatever you are doing?” is eternally the bigger question always looming, and is the one that I do believe is more crucial to answer.

Is it your nature to nurture happiness in yourself and others maybe should be the question we try to answer next!

Always in love,
Addi Stewart

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