When Polyamory and Monogamy Collide


Have you ever wanted someone that you felt was all but forbidden to you? I can’t imagine anyone’s answer being no, but if it is, then you are LUCKY. Polyamory has the wonderful flexibility and possibility of connecting all kinds of interesting people and unique combinations of connections, and the limitations of polyamory are only as small as the people’s hearts and imaginations that create the relationship desired…

But, we can’t make love to everyone in the world that we want to make love to and have sex with. We just can’t.

*wipes tears away*

*continues typing*

Monogamy has hard boundaries. Unbreakable, usually. For the sake of shits and giggles, let me try illustrating my point with a sports metaphor, word to Stuart Scott (rest in peace). Monogamists are like members of a totally different league of player. They are like NHL hockey players, and polyamorists are NBA basketball players. Whole different league of their own, playing a whole different sport with different rules of engagement (and ironically, vastly different amounts of opportunities to score, ha ha ha! But, I do not judge. And, I digress.)

If you played in the NBA, and you dreamed of being an NHL player, no matter how much you wanted to, you couldn’t play on the ice in an actual game for a single second. Even if you tried to show up in an official uniform. You would not get one split-second of even pre-season game time. And it somewhat is like this in romance. Virtually every single time, if an intimate relationship is building, when I have confessed to a monogamous woman that I am polyamorous, it has led to a courteous denouement of the potential connection of sex and emotion that I was seeking, and it has closed any possibility of furthering the connection, ESPECIALLY on an intimate level. I have rarely ever been the person who convinced a woman to try polyamory if they weren’t already seriously considering it, if not already practicing some form of it already. I have definitely been the person who has been the first for many women, but being the first polyamorous partner has NOT been one of those things, oddly. Why is that?

Well… the morals of boundaries is exactly why that is. The limitations that people tell themselves is exactly why we don’t do the things we dream. Our fears are the opposites of our fantasies. And if we tell ourselves “I could NEVER do that!” then we won’t. But, what makes us think that? Consequences that are real, or consequences that are imagined? Often, I’m not sure it’s as real as people worry about. For instance, between men, the consequence of kissing another man is NOT NEARLY the life-ending tragedy that homophobic ignorance stigma will frighten unaware boys into thinking it is. And if that’s the fantasy that you are fearing and simultaneously focusing on feeling, then… JUST DO IT. We end up regretting the things we don’t do more than the things we do. I’m a believer in that philosophy more than its pessimistic opposite. Fear is a shitty form of safety.

But, fear is something we think is there to protect us. Do we really need protection to stop us from doing things we dream to do? Do we need to fear the result of asking monogamous people to try polyamory? Do we need to fear the consequence of risking rejection in an attempt to connect with someone we are not sure is open to open relationships?

And ultimately… I say all this to say: would you ever think you have a chance to share an intimate relationship with a married woman or man?

To which I respond: it all depends on the type of marriage they have!!!

A married woman is essentially the ULTIMATE monogamous woman, and ostensibly, the most forbidden woman of all. The most off-limits player in the game of love. A sexual athlete that’s ostensibly had their jersey retired. Or are they?

Would you consider a relationship with a married person who has children and a husband and/or wife? Even if they both agreed to it being okay to them?

And if you would, then… may your collective fantasies come true as soon as possible!

But if not, then… why? I am not judging you either way, but is the possible complications from an intimate situation with a married couple the boundary of the forbidden that you choose to never cross?

Because ultimately, it’s MAGNIFICENT TO KNOW what boundaries you are unwilling to transgress for yourself. But alternately, it’s good to know which boundaries you are willing to approach with the willingness to dance, leap and fly across!!

Dare to love,
Addi Stewart

Find playmates now at ;PolyamoryDate.com!

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